studying pleasure; my foot.

Two weeks to examination.

And i never felt as under-prepared as i do now in my whole 21 years of examinations and tests.

University sucks. Really. I really dont like the feeling of stuffing everything down my throat without know what it do.

Back then in primary school, studies is fun. You have the luxury to think, to explore. If you do not understand, just ask and you will get it, even if its out of context.

In secondary, they throw you a thick text book called the A maths. This book consist of formulas and practise questions to let you adventure into the vast and amaing world of maths. Good thing is, you are learning with a good purpose; everything you learn have a certain meaning, though you might not use it.

In JC, the C math appears. A whole series of sums and series and statistics. I would say good! These are still useful. Stats is good for statisticians, integration , differentiation, probability for engineers, and geometry for the architects to be. But is there a need to really chunk everything to us? Unless you go a certain route, there's no need to know everything? ya?

University. Now you get to learn maths in a whole new different way. You get to learn things in 3D and also stuff that you cant imagine/ draw out. And yes, the triple integration that leads you to math "with no geometry meaning". And all the weird vector equations you used are taught, but not understood. And when you asked, you realised that hey! "Go and google it!"
So much for paying $50/day for school fees.

The best thing is, exams now have no meaning now too. I used to worked for PSLE so that i can go to a proper secondary. Chiong for O levels so that i can get into a JC. Worked hard for JC so that i can go uni. And uni? What do i work hard for? I am definately not going for masters or PhD. Not because i think i cant, but i dont think i have the dollars to. So, what am i fighting for , now?

beth's birthday...

Looks like i am keeping to my schedule (quite) well...

Anyways, have been wondering whether i should be going for beth's party...

Who's beth? What's the hesitation? Why do i even have to hesitate?

The truth is, beth is my ex.

Thats not really a reason for my to consider whether to go. But i reckon i wouldnt feel good looking at her(with her boyfriend) . And yes, i am envious. And yes again, i am jealous.

I looked at her wishlist for her birthday, and i realised, what we have in common still plays a significant part in her life. Things we shared, the small talks about final fantasy, the characters, end stories and such. To others, its just a game. To us, the story talks about us. To me, i am squall. period.

The hesitation.
Why? Just go la! But looking at who's going, i reckon it will be boring. None of my close friends are going. And its at pasir ris chalet... Is it really worth the effort to just go there, take a look, sent her a gift and return home? I know she's a friend, and very close friend at that, but to be there just for this sole purpose... I couldnt re-propose the question. I wouldnt have much time with the her(since she's the host.) and i dont know her friends. Okay, i do know some. but they seem to have others as partners...

Sometimes i think i am really indecisive. I dont like things this way, but i couldnt change the way i look at things. To consider all factors, to be calm at all scenario. All this made me seemed so steady, yet, it too made me unfeeling. Should i show some feelings, then?