Hidden Within

Again (of being a guy)

2012-02-15T23:31:00.002+08:00

Had a really nice valentine's day drinking over at timbre.

Should say, i appreciated the company.

I actually reject the original meet-up that i had with a girl.

But yes, i know you are going to say,

" You are so no gentleman!"

Haha!

And i would look back and you and tell you.
"Well, i tried."

--

About: Gentleman

I believe many of us had actually heard the term,

SINGAPOREAN MAN IS NO GENTLEMAN.

Know what? I agree! Not because we didnt want to, but we didnt had a choice.

From my own experience on valentine's day...
I offered to sent a girl home.
Instead of saying things like, "no, thanks, its okay..." or something like that, i got a very direct respond, which makes me..uncomfortable.

"I am not dating you."

Apparently, to sent a girl home, you NEED to be his bf or date, else, you are just trying to woo her.
(So much for trying to be a gentleman.)

(Okay, in the end, i asked her to go home and rest instead of meeting me; THAT, was un-gentleman of me. But yes, its all or nothing for me. Full gentleman or none of it. Problem?)

I know though, most probably, she's just being kind to accompany me on this very day. She KNOWS i seek company. But that respond, just made me feel again, being a gentleman is not worth the effort.

In the past, i might had persevered, asked if i did wrong etc. But now, heck la. I lend you a listening ear, and if you dont take me as a friend, so be it. I am not your date either.

I still...think a lot about...her.

Valentine's day 2

2012-02-14T01:17:00.002+08:00

On this very day last year, I wrote a post about learning to love a person.
On this very day this year, I can safely tell you, i know how to love a person.

But i understand too, loving a person is just one small part of a relationship.
(pre-word: The relationship i am going to talk about today ISNT just about BGR)

I thought back, months ago, i was happily talking care of the one i loved, knowing very well, that we are just friends and we would most probably never progress into a BGR. I know fully well how she felt towards her then boyfriend then. But still, loving someone, to me, could exist even as friends.

But sometimes, this concept is just too difficult for people to understand. To the general population, it always have to be a BGR before love can exist.

But whatever the case is, on this very day in 2012, i just want to make things simpler for everyone and myself. No longer am i going to dabble in the search for a girlfriend, for i am real tired of chasing after people.

I rather spent my time helping those who helped me, and those who truly cared for me.

I havent been a very good person, and i doubt i will be. I had brought and cause everything to friends around me, from happiness, to sorrows, to anything.

Now i am just trying to gain back the positivity that i once had, the confidence that i unlocked then in JC, and the attitude for a better future.

I am still me though. I am still that blatant direct idiot.

tada.

Just some thing from 9gag...

2012-02-12T14:01:00.005+08:00

http://9gag.com/gag/2587695

Too much of what i dont need and none of what i needed..

2012-02-12T05:08:00.003+08:00

Anita's prediction on facebook said...

"You have a secret admirer!"

Feelings and reality tells me...

"Erm, bitch please? Romance? You are nothing close to one. "

Self-defeatist? Noop. Not really.

Byron is an energizer battery; Never say die.
I lose, i fail, i try again. Whats the big deal?

I did my best for my friends, without deliberately giving in to them. I am proud of what i am doing. I dont let you win; i teach you, so you have a chance to defeat me proper. Good enough right?

I still cant deal with people who dont use the orthodox method though. Black magic, self-denial and forced logic still defeats me without fighting me at all; i totally surrender to them.

--

My winnings since the start of the dragon year is now at 180. Really winning crazily with unbeatable luck this year. I should be happy, since i am winning a lot of money, and got offers for a job.

I should be glad that i have some very good friends in school who would share thick and thin with me. I should be glad that i can just spent money without caring because i am earning much more than i spent.

But... I am not contended. I just want one thing. That one thing, i am sure everybody around me would understand. I had been truthful to most of my friend; my priority now, is not studies, not money, but girls.

I am looking for someone to love, and take care of.

Funny? Maybe. But i do feel glad to be that pillar of support. I actually like being depended on. I like it not too easy, yet not too tough. Like a dangling candy, which at times, i can taste its sweetness, but most of the time, i dont get anything.

In chinese, we call it ...犯贱...

But its those short moments that actually makes the efforts feel worthy.

--

I really need my 八号当铺...
Too much of what i dont need and none of what i needed..

Just a picture to motivate thy self =)

2012-02-09T01:31:00.000+08:00

Life as a tetris game.

2012-02-05T20:16:00.002+08:00

Inspired by the game: Tetris battle that i am currently playing on facebook.

Co-inspired by Michael, who told me that...

" Life is like tetris, whether you win or lose, you will still gain experience points."

--

For me, i tried to look at it slightly differently.

While i do agree that we all do gain experience points no matter we won or lost, but i believe we gain different amount of experience points depending on how much we won or lost.

In tetris battle, there are 2p battle, 4p sprint and 6p multi-battle modes (among others)

Each, to me, is a different mode/stage of life.

2p battles. Are for those who are ready to be a couple. And your enemy, is your counterpart him/herself. You need to win him/her and you must make sure that he/her are playing at a similar level so that you will enjoy the whole moment.

The only way to winning the battle, is to store to a suitable level and give a huge blast. You can too, try to clear it step by step, but the former makes it 10 times easier to win. Its like life. You can do it step by step or try for a 1 chance to succeed. Usually, its easier that way. Same goes for a relationship. Step by step dont really help much.

4p battle. Sprinting. Its akin to fighting for the best chance by doing everything you can, regardless of how the process turns out to be. In life, while trying to achieve something, you might screw up your life and ended up with lots of mistakes. But if you try hard enough, you always have chance to clear up whatever mistakes that you had done. The most important thing is, others might not be waiting for you to succeed(clear the 40 lines). But you always think that they are waiting to laugh at you. So, be like the game, clear it and move on. You might not win against these 3, but there are thousands of others out there whom you can beat, if you keep trying.

6p battle. Its just friends. Look around you, you do have lots of people who seemed to be just playing along with you. But you dont know which one or who had any intentions to harm you. Also, you yourself do not know who you would harm in the process of trying to succeed.

There are other modes in the game that i would say... isolation periods.

Like the marathon.

When you choose to play alone, you would be alone. Even though its a guaranteed win, its your own business. But its really stupid in a way, because so, you would have no meaning to others, and neither would people or friends have any meaning to you.

Whats the point of succeeding then?

--

Right here waiting for you.

2012-02-04T00:55:00.002+08:00

Right here, right now.

Who? I dont know.

Maybe someone out there.

Someone who would let me take care of her.

The dream ( and some more add-ons from the last post.)

2012-02-01T23:43:00.002+08:00

I slept for about... 2 hours last night.

Went for a cycling trip before that with Dean. The feeling is really good, because, for the first time in many days, my bicycle didnt end up in a miserable state.

It was, still intact, when i reached home. Lady goddess must had been around yesterday.

--

Still, while sleeping that night, i had a very very special dream.

I call it special, because it was nothing like those weird dreams i had before. This one was more... drastic. It was, about death.

I dreamt that i was sending a friend to the airport with this group of friends in a vehicle(taxi?). So, after we alighted and had lunch at the airport (and waves of good byes, hugs and souvenir requests), she entered the boarding area and the rest of us went back to the vehicle and left the place.

While travelling on the vehicle, we talked about her and how we would miss her and such.

When we were near a highway, the vehicle suddenly sped up for no reason, and drove us straight over into another car, crashed, and we flew over the highway and died on the spot.

I woke up seeing my body on the ground and then i saw her telling me,

"Actually, i am already gone, way before you all did."

(Erm, yes...Even i feel kinda eerie...)
--

Okay, now for the add-ons.

Was just chatting with Jerome over Zhen just now.

Then i realized... He hasnt believed me too. I just guess, no one's gonna believe my explanation, no matter how many time i explained myself.

What could i do anyways? I cant do anything except to let things stay the way they are now.

Lets just.. Wish for the best? Hopefully one day, she would review what i said and accept my explanation? Then we can become close friends again?

Just a dream. Like Priscilla said, "Its highly impossible for you to become friends again. Once a girl lost her trust in you, its not possible for her to take you as a friend any more. "

BUT ITS THE TRUTH!! WHY DONT ANYONE BELIEVE ME? DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE I HAVE MALICIOUS INTENT ON MY FRIENDS??

The Gathering

2012-01-30T01:13:00.003+08:00

Dont bother. This has nothing to do with Magic(tm)

Its just, a new year gathering at jerome's house.

Must say, i enjoyed myself, won quite a lot, seen who i missed and had some real, clean fun with the people over there.

Anda, learning and playing new games like "三国杀" are really interesting too.

--

I am happy today. Happy to know that, Zhen too, is happy while i am gone from her life. Today, is the first day that i talked to her face to face after so many months of no meeting. Of course, the feelings had changed, we aint as close as we were in the past. We were mere acquaintance, two people who saw each other after some time and did not have any depth in conversation.

Its as if we never knew each other. Its as if, i had never entered her life.

I dont know how she felt, but deep inside, i do miss her. I miss her craziness, her happiness, her tears, her worries, her everything. I miss those days where i can just tell her that i miss her after a few days of not meeting. I miss those days where we can just chat on whatsapp as if we had known each other for centuries.

I know, i had never mattered in her life. I was just, another guy. A guy, who's after her for her looks, her body and such. Its perfectly normal for her to think this way anyways. After all, most guys are like that.

I dont think i am different either, i was attracted to her looks at first, too. But, after being close to her, and after the long time apart, then i realize, that i just miss her like a friend. Like peaz and her bestie. Who cares about looks, color, race,age or whatever? Its just two friends, who would always be there for one another.

--

I still cant forget what peaz told me months ago. "People enter and leave your life for no reason. If there is , then they wouldnt leave at all."

I have to get over it. She's having a good life. She's having a very good life. She's having a great life. She's having the best time of my life because i am gone!

me? I am still the same. Still would care and help her. I cant change even if i force myself to. Still eagerly looking for someone like her though. Someone whom i can talk to and be at my most natural.

All the best.
And i dont think i will get any good sleep tonight...

SG

2012-01-28T01:32:00.003+08:00

I had been thinking of SG a lot for the last few days.

Why?

What is happening?

What's with the drift?

Why the sudden hostility?

My confession?

My intention?

Just..me?

Motivation

2012-01-23T22:59:00.002+08:00

I think... i had been using time and again, and again.

But nope, today's something special.

(Its new year for god's sake! You expect me to show you an emo post? )

--

While visiting our relatives just now, i had a very casual chat with my married sister and my mother and a few other aunties. After a while of questioning why i did not bring my question here, i told them...

"I tried, but failed."

Sincerely, i am glad to be able to say that. AT LEAST I TRIED. Even though i failed, i do know the reasons why, now.

My sister was commenting, saying that i am wearing a bit too mature for my age, and made me look like a thirty plus uncle. ( They wasnt exactly wrong, for i am wearing a stripped polo-tee with black jeans.)

But the next bit, is the one that struck me, that urged me to write this post.

"hmm... must lose weight, then look nice in any clothing."

True.

I mean, really. I NEED to lose weight.

Back then, i had a very good motivation to lose weight.

Guess what? Its... FOOD...

(Huh? Food as motivation to lose weight? SERIOUSLY?)

Yup. Back then, i was on a frequent food trail with my friend(s). (YES, THOSE Alif's counts.) So, being on frequent exercise gives me more reason to indulge in food.

(Its FOOD! GLORIOUS FOOD!)

And while i traveled around with my friends like Zhen, Poh, Wanye, Jack, Rayner all over Singapore for food, i always felt happy, and motivated to continue eating.

And because of the frequent makan sessions, i do feel the strong urge to exercise often.

--

Come to think about it, its a vicious cycle. I eat, i grow fat, i exercise, i reduce weight and the whole process keeps on repeating.

The only thing is, i am fulfilled, i am happy. Even Macdonalds with Dean at West coast brings on so much memories. Thats, still true happiness for me.

--

Now, I could only ask myself, WHERE is my food partner(s), so that i have the motivation to exercise again?

2012 resolution

2012-01-19T00:35:00.003+08:00

Before anyone starts telling me...

"Huh? I thought 2012 started 19 days back?"

I am just going to tell you, my year, starts on chinese new year.

Reason being, i want it that way. After all, "date" is just a standard definition of time given by scientist; there is no absolute need to follow that when you are deciding your own expectations and setting your own goals.

--

First thing first, there WILL be a lot of changes to my blog, the way posts are made, the restrictions, the languages, the naming etc.

Since the youngest of my (probable) reader has reached JC level, i dont think there is any needs to hold back my language. As for others who chances upon my blog, or did not made your presence here known, i aint gonna be bothered with you.

All personels will/ will not be named as i deemed fit. If you are not happy with anything i had written here, tell me about it.

--
Start:

The past year had been a year filled with much joy and sorrow. The best year, and the worse year.

But, i had made a severe mistake; i was too sensitive. There are too many things which i could had done, but did not, as i was too sensitive to how some people felt.

(Oh, you are saying, "ya right." Right?

My past response: " Really, i tried all this ...blah blah blah..."
Now: "Eh, anything? " )

I said that, based on truth and reality. But somehow, it almost NEVER failed to make others think that i am lying(??)

I was overly concerned about how people felt and what to do so that people dont get the wrong idea. So as to make people remained happy/ satisfied with our relationship.

I guessed, nothing worked as planned. Truth kills me, because i am a more direct person than more people. And i dont want to lie ( too much ) because lying is too tiring for me.

Hence, for the new year, i just want to act like who i am. I am not going to be concerned about how you feel, or what you wanted. I am going to be more ego-centric and be concerned about what i wanted and how i feel. I am going to say things that i feel right/ want to say and choose to be ignorant of how you might feel after my comment.

(But of course, to people whom i knew cant take these comment, i am still going to shut up.)

I am going to be truthful about my feelings and i will not hold back any anger, if i feel i have a need to release it.

There are just too many people's hearing who are impaired by emotions. Me included. Hence, there is a need to shout right in their face to make them realize what they are doing is wrong.

(Again, i am telling my readers, yes, you are more than welcome to tell me that i am an idiot (cause i know that i am at times.) Just, tell me why you think so, and not give me an empty comment.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Still want to thanks a few people for what they did in the last few months. They might/ might not realized that what they did made my day.

Dean: I thank you, not for your presents. I thank you for your effort to remember me and also efforts spent in assisting me to get me the things that i wanted. Riding with you was a fun thing, only that, i am kinda discouraged that my bicycle broke down again and again...

Jackson: One of the person i can really trust to be serious and humorous. I like it the way you can be serious and funny at different times. And being absolutely clear at that.

Poh: One of the few person who can actually speaks my mind, and really asked some intriguing questions. But because of what you said and asked, it makes me have a better understanding of time and consequences.(you might not get this. Its just thoughts triggering after things that you said.) "Really ? Not free on ___day?"

Wei Keat: Someone who had given me small encouragement when i needed one. Its kinda like lighting a matchstick in the cold winter; the only one who paid attention and cared. " Need another chance right? Am here to give you another chance. Haha! "

Jiahui (Bai) : I think i am more concerned about your problem than you are over mine. But the point is, i get to learn from your experience.

Jiahui (Au) : My friend turned aunt agony turned MIA personnel. I havent forgot your lessons on letting go. That famous, favourite sentence. "People enters your live and leave with no reason. If there is a reason to be considered, they wouldnt had left at all."

WanTing : Maybe because we went through a similar path, thats why we are able to understand each other and to be able to be in sync in thoughts. But it feels good to have someone who is able to share their experience with me and makes me feel that i am not alone. "Babe, you are not alone."

Sok Gin : The one person whom i had based my motivations on. Even though i know its a dead standstill, but hey, at least the dark periods has passed with your kind listening ear and company. "Bolehkah?", "headache still dont sleep", "thanks =)"

LiHua : I am just happy to know someone is concerned about how i am living as a person and things/ problems that i am facing. Someone i feel i can talk to; I dont understand your reactions at times, but your reactions differ from 99% of the crowd, making it actually fun to speak to you. "=/" , "no comment"

Rayner : I dont need to say a lot for you to understand how i think and feel. Strange harmony and telepathy sometimes, that i cant really describe. My best source of mind relaxation because of the lame jokes and talking manner we share.

Jonathan : He had been there with me, to study, to play and just to do almost anything. He makes me feel equal. Great company, really. "How come no power? Caused i am not turned on"

Shu Zhen : ( If anything, this is a promise i cant keep. ) But eitherways, its been a fun year last year. The last few months of emptiness made me understood had left me confused. But at least, it had allowed me to learn to get over things and people whom i am just destinied to be there for a short period of time. You had been one of the best friend whom i had had quality fun with in the numeral food we tasted and places visited. And i will remember this friendship for a life time long.
"FRIP: Oct 11"
--

To end this with something from Jackson.
"Bro, there is a base character for each person that you cant change."

Yes, i had said that myself in the past, but i had forgotten to obey it myself. What had i been doing all this few months??

2012-01-13T02:05:00.002+08:00

一丝牵挂

2012-01-10T02:37:00.001+08:00

一想到即将来临的星期四, 我脑海中就会浮现两种截然不同的想法。

一种是期待, 就好像即将与失去联络的家人y, 那种迫不及待的感觉。人因思念而知道珍惜, 因为没有了, 才一再再了解到自己多么想要这个人在身旁。

虽然, 这分友情的破灭是一场巨大的误会, 是她要的。

但是, 事情也因我而起, 我也必需扛起一些责任。

而, 脑海里的另一端, 却有一种害怕。

因为她不愿在与我接触, 我尝试忘了她的存在。我做不到, 但是, 至少我已经到了不会有空没空想其她的地步。

这一次相遇, 我也不知道能不能够忍着不在众人面前落泪。

我害怕的是, 这一次见面, 我会更放不下。

但是, 该面对的, 我还是必需面对。愿我们都会过的更好。

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等你的季节

2012-01-06T13:02:00.002+08:00

《等你的季节》
　　A Season Waiting for You
　　曲：严艺丹词：严艺丹　演唱：刘诗诗
　　Lyrist: Yan Yidan Composer: Yan Yidan Sung by: Cecilia Liu
　　译者：许景城（Peter Cooper Xu）
　　

等夏天等秋天 Waiting for Summer, for the Fall
等下个季节 For next season ‘s call
要等到月亮变全 Until the moon is full and bright
你才会回到我身边 When you come back to my sight.
要不要再见面 Whether to meet again,
没办法还是想念 Missing is still in my brain.
突然想看你的脸 My sudden craving for seeing thou
熟悉的感觉 Is somewhere in sight.
不牵手也可以漫步风霜雨雪 No holding hands we can still roam in rain and snow
不能相见也要朝思暮念 No meeting we should still yearn day and night.
只想让你知道 Just wanting you to know
我真的很好 I live really well.
爱一生恋一世 A lifetime love, A lifetime spell
我也会等你到老 I’ll still await you till we old grow.
只想让你知道 Just wanting you to know
放不下也忘不掉 I can’t let it go and forget
你的笑你的好 Your smile and your keen show,
是我温暖的依靠 Where my heart warmth is beset.
只想让你知道 Just wanting you to know.
放不下也忘不掉 I can’t let it go and forget.
你的笑你的好 Your smile and your keen show,
是我温暖的依靠 Where my heart warmth is beset.

I thought...

2012-01-04T15:51:00.002+08:00

I ought to be happy when i am back to Singapore from a long trip at Taiwan.

I thought, going there would make me forget about all the troubles i had over at Singapore...

Well, it did. Momentarily only though. The 11 days spent at Taiwan was fantastic. Lots of joys, laughters and happily splurging on clothing, gifts, and food.

(well, there WILL be a more detailed Taiwan trip post in the days to come, but for now, this would be an emo post, with regards to some of the feelings i brought, to and fro from Singapore to Taiwan, and back.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first thing i thought of, when i reached Taiwan, was to get a shoe of size 7.5/8.

Then i thought, well, there is no more purpose of getting that anymore. Afterall, it was insignificant anymore. I had memories of those pictures, maps and stuff that she sent me then, her itinerary, and all those pictures which i had seen before. I was really hoping to be here then, so that i can help get some of the things she wanted. It was fulfilling enough to see her happy, much more than any amount of monies could buy.

Things is really that simple. I settled for less because i know that this is just some unrequited love and that it had no returns.

But somehow, i feel fortunate enough just to be around.

I am more than willing to be just a friend who would be around to take care of her. I am willing to friendzone myself.

--

One such night in Taiwan, i noticed a photo in my friends wallet. I hate to admit this, but i am jealous. There is something i wanted, but i could never get it.

A picture which is not requested by me.

I had been daring enough to ask for a lot of things. But there are just somethings that i really hope that people would ask for instead.

Or should i say, i just wanted some kind of attention from someone i liked?

--

After her, there is another girl who had caught more attention. She isnt someone whom you would expect me to like. She was much more plain, but there is just something very attractive about her that i cant really describe. And after going out with her a few times, i just feel that i wanted to get to know her more. I kind of like her characteristics, the way she followed me around and the way we just talked on the bus. I like her soft smile.

I confessed to her yesterday. And since then, i havent heard from her. I am guessing, i had totally failed. I am just not good enough for her. After all, she right above the rest, while i am stuck below. ( ps. i didnt know about her grades/academics and stuff before i liked her... It was after we chat, that i began to understand that she's a very talented girl.)

I brought a pendant for her while at Taiwan. Wonder if i would get a chance to give it to her though. If not, then well, i will just keep it as a souvenir...

(And yesterday night, i dreamt about her again. Details shall be released only when requested=) )

--
(Self-motivation: Because no one's gonna give me any.)
Alright! Time to move on to a bright-er future in 2012!

Taiwan

2011-12-23T00:45:00.001+08:00

Just, letting the world know that i would be in Taiwan for the next 2 weeks till the 3rd.

So eh, see you on the 3rd of the 2012!

( And hope she wouldnt be so cold to me after the long 2 weeks...)

Plant

2011-12-17T04:26:00.000+08:00

That name

2011-12-17T04:00:00.002+08:00

Its getting difficult just to be around these friends.

Its not their fault though.

Its just me; someone who cant come to term with life itself.

Every mention of that name brings back loads of memories. Things that i most probably wouldnt be able to forget for my entire life. For those who knew my story, you might have guessed why.

Yes, these feelings are real. Much as i tried to suppress all this feelings and all this thoughts, acting like i dont care and had totally forgot about her; i hasnt.

I just dont want them to be bothered by it. I mean, who am i to assert stress to our friendship because of my feelings? Am i suppose to just tell them directly that i dont want to hear her name?

No, i dont hate her; i dont hate anyone. I dont want to hear her name, because i miss her. I really really miss her.
Yes, we are friends. Very very very close friends then. And i really treasured all those times we had spent together.

Others might not understand. Others, need not understand. The whole world can doubt my intention. But why, you too?

--

But, they are my friends too. Should i really just shun them just because i dont want to hear your name? While i am so glad to know that you are fine, i cant help by recall each and every instance of all the things we had done before. The food, the mahjong, the stupid things, all the events, your tears, our quarrels, everything, every single little things.

I do still want to know what happened to you, and how had you been. But i no longer had the courage to ask like in the past. Yes, you are peaceful. And i dont want to break that tranquility you are enjoying.

Our friendship came lightning fast, and we grew close almost instantly. But, sadly, it wasnt meant to last. its just a short period of 8 months.

8 months.

Its not a long time. It had brought me real tears and joy. Things that i had never felt before. These feelings, so real, that i couldnt let go.

I know you are meant to achieve great things. I know you would hate me forever, for things you thought that i did on purpose. I know i will always remain a thorn in your flesh.

But, you are forever a close friend to me.

You would, never understand how much you meant to me.

letih

2011-12-14T09:31:00.002+08:00

I couldnt understand.

I am tired, of being positive.

Why is it that nothing seems to go in the way i wanted them to be?

I had tried my best. I had given it my very best effort.

Maybe that just wasnt enough. Maybe, i was just doomed to fail.

I miss those times where i could laugh from my heart.

Now, everything just seemed like the world is laughing at me.

My laughters are but from my face, not from my heart. I know there is something that i just cant let go, but i cant let anyone know; i wanted things to be known, but i rather keep it with me, for fear that others would remind me of it.

Things had been tough enough. But maybe because i had seemed too positive about things,too carefree, too nonchalant, that people hasnt the slightest idea how bad i felt almost everyday.

It isnt easy fighting back the misery and tears to work on your project and schoolwork.
It isnt easy facing the same people who reminds you of the past every few days and acting as if its alright.

It isnt easy to be there for people, giving encouragement, hoping that i would at least be remembered from time to time.

Who understood how i felt each night when i am reminded of the past? How badly i was misinterpreted to be some ill-intention guy only out for causing problems?

I seeked solace in moving on. I seek solace in carrying on with life, bearing everything. Bearing, all the unfair jurisdiction people had of me.

I wiped my own tears and stood by myself as i moved on. I dont have the luxury of having anyone around me to wipe my tears. The problem of appearing too strong.

To those who got to read this, Byron is but just a weakling. I had no more motivation for anything. And i have no more guts to try anything. Neither do i have any more strength left to help anyone. No, not even to encourage.

2011-12-06T01:31:00.003+08:00

Seems like i had been missing for a few days from the last post i had...

Well. Busy with 3002, the 6mc that you had to clear after the examinations.

Well, even though i am not entirely happy with the short time we had for this project, and the lack of a proper leader for the group, I was kind of happy that i did this project.

I am just happy that whatever i did worked at the end, even though its with lots and lots of testing and i had to "cheat" on some parts in order to get it to work.

(technically, its okay to do that, just that, there are better ways to do it than i did.)

In fact, i feel quite happy that i had good group members that are willing to cooperate with me. I know everyone is sort of frustrated and getting increasing frustrated because of the lack of rest and stress accumulating from rushing a 6mc, highly grades effecting module, in about 4 days,

Even though there are things that apparently some of my group members are not happy with, i am not sadden by what they said, despite always being very sensitive. When you are busy working, you would think that you had done more work than others. But if you assume that you are the only one doing that, then you are very wrong. I know she hasnt the slightest idea of what i had done, so, wouldnt blame her.

Afterall, for some reason,i had became A LOT more positive nowadays.

1.The lack of initiation is a form of understanding that I am busy.
2.The lack of response for a effective conversation is because of the reserved character.
3.If there is any miscommunication, just smile and bit through it. Like my 3207 and 3002. At least at the very end, it worked, despite some minor effort wasted.

4.I dont have a partner who would always be there for me. But i always had friends who did their best to push me on.
5.Its more fun to work in a group, (even though it means lower progress due to the oh-so-much disturbance ) and the final result normal churns out better! Because people KNEW what you are doing.
Studies wise, FRIENDS keeps you awake!
(time awake-time disturbed)>(time you spent alone study), so output is better!

--

I had drastically reduced my expectations from others and spent more effort seeking happiness. Not gonna hold on to things/people/event that isnt worth my time.

2011-11-26T15:32:00.004+08:00

Before that... Sorry to friends who cant read chinese...

那天晚上，我站在车站旁，心里有百般的牵挂，万般的无奈。

真想与你分享。

但是，我却不愿让你难过。我不愿，让你在这艰难的日子，还必须分心，尝试了解我的痛苦。

那天晚上，我与一名好友一起吃夜宵。吃的是夜宵，含的是泪水，饮的是心酸，惆怅，百思不得其解的现实。为什么你要提起他？为什么你不让我放弃一个放弃我的人？

我已热脸贴冷屁股，以真诚之心换来一拨又一波的误解与不信任。一层一层的好意，不被承认，不被认同也就算了，为什么就连连续续的不被理解？

霎那间，我突然想起那日日月月度过的日子。我承认，我需要一个伴，需要一个能让我表现我最深层的自己的一个人。我也不曾强迫任何人做任何他不想要做的事；我不是一个约束的人。但是，职责所在，我必须让人了解每个决定的利与弊，而成与败的后果。

但是，我也累了。这几个月来，我尝试不分析，不了解，不给予意见，让他人自我去反复思考。但，我见到的事，是一件又一件的后悔，懊恼极面具的加厚。

隐瞒，是因为事实不如自己想象的美好，却，又不愿让别人了解与看见自己为此决定而付出的沉重代价。

人愿为面子，感情牺牲，却不愿为幸福做出妥协。

这些年

2011-11-22T22:36:00.002+08:00

胡夏 - 那些年

作词：九把刀作曲：木村充利

又回到最初的起点
记忆中你青涩的脸
我们终於来到了这一天
桌垫下的老照片无数回忆连结
今天男孩要赴女孩最后的约

又回到最初的起点
呆呆地站在镜子前
笨拙系上红色领带的结
将头发梳成大人模样
穿上一身帅气西装
等会儿见你一定比想像美

好想再回到那些年的时光
回到教室座位前后
故意讨你温柔的吗
黑板上排列组合你舍得解开吗
谁与谁坐他又爱著她

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想拥抱你拥抱错过的勇气
曾经想征服全世界
到最后回首才发现
这世界滴滴点点全部都是你

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想告诉你告诉你我没有忘记
那天晚上满天星星
平行时空下的约定
再一次相遇我会紧紧抱著你
紧紧抱著你

又回到最初的起点
呆呆地站在镜子前
笨拙系上红色领带的结
将头发梳成大人模样
穿上一身帅气西装
等会儿见你一定比想像美

好想再回到那些年的时光
回到教室座位前后
故意讨你温柔的吗
黑板上排列组合你舍得解开吗
谁与谁坐他又爱著她

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想拥抱你拥抱错过的勇气
曾经想征服全世界
到最后回首才发现
这世界滴滴点点全部都是你

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想告诉你告诉你我没有忘记
那天晚上满天星星
平行时空下的约定
再一次相遇我会紧紧抱著你
紧紧抱著你

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想拥抱你拥抱错过的勇气
曾经想征服全世界
到最后回首才发现
这世界滴滴点点全部都是你

那些年错过的大雨
那些年错过的爱情
好想告诉你告诉你我没有忘记
那天晚上满天星星
平行时空下的约定
再一次相遇我会紧紧抱著你
紧紧抱著你

Worthless

2011-11-22T20:52:00.003+08:00

Walked out of the examination hall with tears in my eyes.

That feeling... Is just so familiar. Its the smell of failure. The horrid of failure.

I knew this would be another F in my career as a student. And this time round, i make the choice to take the module. And i will, take all responsibilities for it.

Yes, lots of things happened this few months. But i have no one to blame, and i can blame no one, for i am the one who did the paper, and flunk it.

This time round, i am alone. No one would be there with me to compare my answers. No one, would know, or understood how i felt while doing the paper. I had never felt so, worthless. The many days of effort i put in, all end up in smoke. Its just plain disastrous. Its as if i cant do any single question.

No, not even the sub parts. I attempted most of it, but i know for a fact, i am just writing rubbish.

I am not academically inclined. But, when i cant do anything at all, that is where the worthlessness kicks in.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And when worthlessness is bundled with loneliness...

2011-11-19T01:25:00.002+08:00

And i just watched Cars 2.

( And yes people, i know... Examinations in 2 days time. And here i am watching a movie and even blogging about it.)

But yup. Didnt know cars 2 can get me tearing.

Cars 2 is great. Really fantastic.

I mean, i didnt expect it to give me as much inspiration as i would expect an animation would have.

--

So cars 2 was talking about a friendship between mater, a tow truck and queen, a racing car.

(cut the story short)

Queen went for the first race and lost because he followed one of mater's instruction. As a result, he get very infuriated because of it.

But after a while, queen understood the importance of the mater, and just asked him to be himself.

(again, cut short again.)

--

There is a few nice quotes i found in the movie, particularly, the one that talked about dents.

"That dent, is way too valuable to be fixed."

--This quote, was first spoken by mater, when he was supposed to undergo some camouflage in order for him to be perfectly disguised. But he refused, saying all this dents are memories of what they had went through together. THAT kind of friendship. Through all blood and thins.

--Then again, Queen always treated him as a good friend for fun only; Mater was never invited to the grand events with him.

"No one knows that they are being fooled, because they are too busy laughing at the fool."

--This quote came from Missile, one of the main agent in the movie. He was talking about how crazy Mater is. It didnt took long, before Mater got caught, then he began to lose the trust in himself.

--Well, to say, i do agree much with him. The most seemingly crazy people, is the most... Well hidden, because people would just take him as a fool. But its always the fool that saves the very end, because he is able to see things in a way that others couldnt.

"It people aint taking you seriously, then they need to change, not you!"
--This quote is from queen, after he met mater after the quarrel. Its true. If people dont take you seriously, they wouldnt. Just let them be. If they wanted to change, they would too.

--But if others always look at you with distrust, well , they would always be looking at you with distrust. So, stay strong and stare at them, tell you that you are being the truthful you. Believe it or not, up to you.

Rojak?

2011-11-13T14:27:00.002+08:00

Its kinda like in the past,

except,

things had gotten simpler.

Something,

I realized that man (as in the gender, man) has little abilities to change things unless he tries to be the more egoistic one. He had to set the directions, then tell the rest to follow before things would flow in the way he wanted.

This is something, that guys, would always be inferior to girls.

( or maybe its just me. )

Been waiting long for what's to come. But it seems like, the more effort i made, the more people take it for granted. Or maybe, it had just changed matter for the worse.

Sometimes, its just totally difficult for people to understand what kindness is. Because kindness, to guy, is gay, while to most girls, its an i-like-you syndrome. Vice versa, that is. I am sure sometimes girls feels the same thing too. Which is why, the whole world end up being un-kind to others.

But, i guess, i had seen my share of proper kindness and proper manners shared. I had friends that are very stingy with appreciative words, and others who are using it too much. And also many others who say it, not because they mean, it, but because they had to. A handful did execute the use os such words properly and made me feel good... But that said, only a handful.

Again, not that i mind. I mean, it didnt really matter. As long as you treat me as a friend, thats alright. And friends are simple. Talk cock, sing song, go everywhere, do stupid things! Yeah! Bottom line is, just have fun! Clean, pure, fun!

--

Yes, if you are wondering. Yes, huge chunk of digressing.

Because i didnt really want people to be concerned. But still...

Haha! Missing the fun days we had in the past. Really. Somethings can never be erased.

Waiting for whatever's to come, to come back.

-Then again, I am not really quite sure if a comeback, is good, or bad.

-But then, i always seeks a resolve. If its gonna end, at least tell me how. Or state it clearly.

But i guess, things isnt that clear in this world after all....

But, i promised myself to be positive. And i will.

(Dont take) Panadol translation

2011-11-09T12:58:00.002+08:00

Jangan ambil panadol actifast atau soluble jika anda rasa deman atau sakit kepala.
Dont take "panadol acfifast" or soluble if you feel fever or headache.

Pengambilan panadol tersebut boleh memudaratkan kesihatan anda pada masa akan datang.
Taking (the mentioned) panadol can (cause) detrimental health to you in the near future.

“Suami saya bekerja sebagai Jurutera IT di sebuah hospital, di mana pihak hospital sedang menyiapkan pengkalan data untuk pesakitnya.
"My husband work as IT Engineer at a hospital, where the hospital is (in the process of) preparing a database for the patients.

Dia mengenali rapat doktor tersebut.
He is close to the (above-mentioned) doctor.

Doktor memberitahu suami saya, apabila mengalami sakit kepala, mereka sendiri tidak sanggup mengambil Panadol atau Paracetamol.
Doctor told my husband, when experiencing headache, they themselve are not willing to take Panadol or Paracetamol.

Sebaliknya, mereka akan mencari ubatan herba Cina atau mencari altenatif lain.Back home, they will find chinese herbal medicine or find another alternative.

Ini kerana Panadol adalah bertoksik kepada tubuh kita .
This is because Panadol are toxic towards our body.

Ia merosakkan organ hati .
It damages(spoils) the liver.

Menurut doktor tersebut, Panadol akan tinggal di dalam tubuh selama sekurang-kurangnya 5 tahun .
According to the (above- mentioned ) doctor, Panadol will stay in the body for at least 5 years.

Menurutnya lagi, pernah berlaku seorang pramugari menelan terlalu banyak Panadol semasa kedatangan haid kerana tugasnya perlu berdiri sepanjang masa penerbangan.
According to him, once, a stewardess swallowed too much Panadol (at one time) when her menstruation came because the job have to stand as long as the flight time.

Dia kini baru berumur 30-an tetapi sudah perlu menjalani rawatan buah pinggang (dialisis) setiap bulan.
Her (now) early 30's but had to undergo treatment for kidney(dialysis) every month.

Alternative Treatment ( Tips )
Seperti kata doktor tersebut, sakit kepala disebabkan ketidak-seimbangan elektron/ion di dalam sel otak .As said by the (above mentioned) doctor, headache (is) due to (non-balance of ) electrons or ions in the brain cells.

Sebagai rawatan alternatif, beliau mencadangkan membeli sebotol atau 2 botol minuman isotonik, campurkan dengan air minuman pada kadar 1:1 atau 1:2.
As (for) treatment alternative, he proposed buying 1 or 2 bottle of isotonic drink, mixed with drinking water at the rate of 1:1 or 1:2.

Mudahnya, secawan isotonik dengan 2 cawan air minuman.(or) Simply, 1 cup of isotonic with 2 cup of drinking water.

Saya dan suami pernah mencuba kaedah ini dan mendapati ia berkesan.
My husband and i once tried this method and found it effective.

Kaedah lain ialah merendam kaki ke dalam besin yang mengandungi air suam.
Another method is (to) soak (your) feet in the basin that contain warm water.

Ia akan memberi tekanan darah menurun dari kepala anda.It will (give) (blood) pressure from your head.

Panadol adalah sejenis “pain killer”, semakin banyak anda mengambilnya, semakin lama semakin kurang kesannya kepada anda.
Panadol is a kind of "pain killer", the more you take, the (progressively) lesser effect on you.

Bererti anda perlukan dos yang lebih lagi apabila ia kurang berkesan.Means you need more dosage (further) when it is less effective.

Kita semua akan jatuh sakit apabila usia kita semakin meningkat. Untuk wanita, mereka akan melalui pengalaman melahirkan zuriat.
We are all going to fall sick when (as ) our age grow increase. For women, they will (go through) experience (producing ) offspring.

Bayangkan mereka akan diberi dos yang kuat apabila terpaksa melalui proses beranak melalui pembedahan.
Imagine they are given a stronger dos when (forced) to go through the process of (going through) the surgery

Jika anda terlalu banyak mengambil Panadol atau Paracetamol sepanjang hidup anda, seperti mereka yang ada migrain, ia akan memberi kesan sifar terhadap kesakitan yang anda alami dan anda memerlukan ubat yang lebih kuat lagi untuk mengurangkan rasa sakit.
If you took too much Panadol or Paracetamol in your life, such as those who have migrain, it will have zero effect to your (natural) pain and you require stronger drugs (more) to reduce (feeling) pain.

Adakah anda sanggup diberi dadah yang kuat seperti morfin?Whether you are (able to be) given stonger drug such as morphine?

Hargailah kehidupan anda. Fikir sebelum mudah memasukkan ubat yang “biasa” ini ke dalam perut anda.
Appreciate your life. Think before (easily) taking drugs that is "normal" into your stomach.

kredit: Pengalaman Seorang Blogger
Credit: A blogger's experience

Intense , Experience

2011-11-08T21:32:00.004+08:00

... sees romance as an intense experience, rather than a life-long of care and concern ...

Sounds... True...

But again, who dont ? After all, its just that short burst of moment that makes the latter feels the happiness.

To us, common beings, being surprised, is but one of the best thing that could happened to us, in making us feel happy, and... cared for.

That little planning, that little concern, that little smile telling us that at the moment we are together, is phenomenal.

I hope i have make the right decision to let things go as slow as possible for now... Studies priority people! Much as the feelings goes, priority goes to clearing the exam... As for the rest of it... Let time clear it on their own... And after examination, its my time to fly! =)

A man vs a father.

2011-11-06T00:09:00.004+08:00

In case any of my blog reader start to think that i am up to something again... NO, i am not.

I just want to dedicate this post to my father.

My mom had been sick this few days. And guess what? It (somehow) is a good thing, because it allows me to see how caring my father was towards my mom.

See... He dont talk a lot, most of the time, he would be an average 50 + year old guy, sitting infront of the television watching his favourite F1, motor sports, basketball or soccer. Somehow (i think) for my sake, he started watching badminton some time after i started badminton in secondary school.

The things he did was simple. My mom didnt had a lot of appetite. So day after day, he brought beancurd, bread, and other soft, easily digested food. He even pulled a blanket over her when she fall asleep in the living room...

Ya, you guessed it. My mom is those typical taiwanese drama junkies. Being sick didnt stop her from watching more taiwanese drama...Just that, she fall asleep sometimes because she's more easily tired these days.

(Back to me)

I was looking at myself in the mirror, thinking who exactly am i? If i were to be a father, would i be able to undertake that responsibility? How much responsibility do i have to undertake to make sure the lives of my family and children are well ensured? How much power should i hold and wield? Financially, major decisions, timeline, order, discipline? How about plans? Should i plan my children's route or let him fly and decide on his own?

How do i juggle between being a husband and a father? Who should have priority and what should i do, if both of them are in trouble at the same time? How much could i give in, as a man, to hold the family together through tough times and disagreements?

Haha! I know i wouldnt have any answers to all this questions any time soon. Hopefully, in years to come, i would know more clearly what is to be done.

Still, i just cant stop myself from thinking of all this. Growing of age? Or just becoming old? lol!

十，三。

2011-10-31T13:01:00.001+08:00

想要跟你一起走到最后
但我遗失了地图
谁给谁束缚谁比谁辛苦
爱到深处才会领悟

... 好的事情最后虽然结束
感动十分就有十分满足
谢谢你是你陪我走过那些路
痛是以后无法再给你幸福

好的事情也许能够重复
感动时分就算纷纷模糊
不要哭至少你和我记得很清楚

Gratifying in progress

2011-10-30T15:09:00.002+08:00

Saw a friend's status in facebook...

"Locked out of own house by pure stupidity. So much for a good week...."

This brings me back to the day where i was locked out of my house, because i had forgotten to bring my keys after a mahjong session at another friend's house.

Just saying, thanks once again.

--

Something more important.

I guess i figured out something. I now understood myself even better. Through the eyes of my friends, i figured out that i am a person who shows my emotions very directly to others.

(To add to that, my thoughts, emotions and everything actually. I am not actually a person who tend to hide anything about myself.)

And because of this, i did have a high tendency to affect the mood of the group i am with, if i had a certain level of importance in the group.

But i realized another thing too. If i deliberately tried to hide my emotions by acting happy or non-chalant in front of others, it would be easily recognized as being non emotional too. Well, i could always do that, but... Its just making me uncomfortable. After some short period, i would need to just get out there, get a breather and be myself all over again. Then, the stacked emotions would overflow and result in a more...uncontrollable emotional outburst.

And no... Did i over do it last night? =x

meh meh 吃草吃草...

Reality

2011-10-27T16:49:00.002+08:00

Just, speaking up a little for Robotropolis.

If you had already watched the film and you think its a movie that couldnt make a big hit...

Yes i agree.

But, after reading some comments on imdb.com, i do realized that people do have very little idea of what reality is.

1. If say, a person got shot. What would your FIRST reaction be? I would definitely be stunned and take at least a few minutes to recover. Even if i am a doctor, i wouldnt be so stable as to respond to it directly. The accident, happened right in front of you! How could anyone not freeze for that moment.

2. Death. If you see a BIG hole through a person's left chest, is it really necessary to check if the person is still alive? Yes, miracles exist. But a BIG hole near/piercing through the heart? I wouldnt bother to check it.

3. Reporting. I guess, as a live reporter, if you are screaming/ reacting to every scenario in the background, wouldnt that be kind of ridiculous? Its kind of like those reporters at warring countries. Do you expect them to show empathy all the time to those dying around them? I mean, there could be emotions. But checking them out, showing concern, would be unecessary and very unprofessional.

4. CGI. Yes, its virtual reality, with robots. Then again, if you really wanted CGI, then it wouldnt be realistic. I mean, technically, robots reaching the stage of becoming a human companion and living among humans are highly possible. But asking them to "kill" with some special CGI... That seemed kinda stupid.

But...

I have to agree on some comments though.

The plot is...crap. Or rather, too predictable. And characters too vaguely portrayed and lack of space for character development.

I still dont understand why that "soldier" had to come in. More importantly, how did he got some many grenades??

haha!

Just dance

2011-10-23T02:10:00.002+08:00

Everybody have something that they would depend on when they are down. Something, that doesnt say or do anything in response to your actions, yet, could make you very happy, and could turn a dull day into a lovely day.

For me, its dance. And i really mean, dance. The genre didnt matter.

And no, i dont dance myself. But i enjoy watching dance performance, movies etc...

Should say, my first exposure to dance was in my secondary school days.

I could remember vividly about this social dance experience with this indian girl named G__shan. That dance requires a lot of spinning, and hence, after spinning her gently for a while, i begin to spin her like a top, until one point, we sort of lost control and she hit the other couple while spinning out. Well, she werent hurt, and we had real fun doing so. (well, i did get hurt though, she hit me on the head after that=x HAHAHA!)

And after that, i watched my very first dance show... think its called "Dirty dancing" or something. Got me mesmerised.

Then during my secondary school years, while in my JC years, i got to learn another dance during orientation. Its dancing to the tune of "its the time to disco", the original theme song of "Kaa Ho Na Ho", a hindi film. Watched the show too. Kinda interesting, really. And guess what, i am still able to SING the song! Probably the only hindi song i knew.

During my army days, out of boredom, i tried several applications on facebook. And, somehow, i got to know 2 dancers. One of which, is still a secondary school student then, but she invited me to her performance. That was, the very first time i was exposed to hip-hop and RnB dance. Fascinating really, just that, she didnt really continue dancing after secondary.

And it happens that "Step Up" was just up in the cinemas then. Awesome film, really. That was the very first time i find myself looking for dance battles online.

The other friend, exposed me to even more kind of dance. First stop was contemporary dance. Before that, i didnt even know of the existence of this kind of dance. But after watching one, it had become the dance i loved the most, because i find a deep story between each move.

Then i sort of self-invited myself to her belly dance performance. Should say, yes, i had no idea about sensual dances then. I was kinda viewing it from a ti-ko-peh kind of view. But after some exposure to the dance, i realized, this IS the dance that defines a female. I mean, the most feminine dance that defines a female as a female, with nothing derogatory in nature.

Belly dance have a lot of hip-shaking actions. That, kinda reminds me Ricky Martin, and the 电动马达 that was quite famous back in... 2004?

Just before my uni years, i got roped in for SYF, while looking for a job. And yes, again, more exposure to hip-hop and ballet. But really, i still remember being quite disappointed with most of the performance, because they 不够放, so its kind of like watching shy people walking on the stage with an evident lack of confidence...

While at the beginning of my uni years, i was again, exposed to cheerleading, (thanks to a friend who erm, was going after a cheerleader...) Technically, cheer leading isnt consider a dance( i suppose) , but that was the time where i begin to tune in to choreography.

I was quite amazed at how, they could coordinate so well and performing things such as a four layer-ed stack. And yes, "bring it on" lights up the flames and got me more into cheerleading kind of movies.

And now, after all this years, i still find myself crazy over dance flicks. The recent dance flick of the immitation of Micheal Jackson's moonwalk literally made me go OMG.

Well, finding it more and more difficult to write a proper essay. Hence, i shall just end here.

Do watch the below films if you are interested in dance too ya? Not in other of merit though.

Honey (street)
Honey 2 (street )
You got served (street)
You got served: Beat the world (street +parkour)
Step Up (street)
Step Up 2: The Streets (street)
Step Up 3-D (street)

Black Swan (ballet)
Dirty Dancing (social?)
Dance Subaru (ballet)
Kaa Ho Na Ho (disco)

Stomp the Yard (street)
Stomp the Yard 2: Homecoming (street)
Saturday Night Fever (disco)
Forever Fever a.k.a Thats the way i like it (disco)--Local produce!=x
Bring it on (cheerleading)
Bring it on: All or nothing (cheerleading)
Grease ( disco )
Grease 2 (disco)

Well, alot more... cant remember. The one i loved the most is still Step Up 2. Because of the dance battle. =x

Here's a link to the thrillers of some of the best dance shows ever. Enjoy!
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/13/best-dance-movies-of-the-_n_1009869.html#s404698&title=Black_Swan_2010

F_A_

2011-10-21T17:22:00.003+08:00

Well, its a chaotic world afterall.

A world, where proper ending never really existed.

Where things get caught and ignored.

Sometimes...

I just need someone to talk, someone to be my friend, truly as a friend.

Talk to me, disturb me, make fun of me, whatever. It didnt matter what was done, because i'd understand it meant no harm.

I cant help but feel the loneliness when i am all alone. I know its just me. I know, its just this boy here, who couldnt get over his loneliness, and blaming the world for not sending people into his world to talk with him.

But i did try...I really did. Well, most of them got... Ignored? Well, life havent been easy. Its just getting tougher and tougher to get someone who would just be there for you to talk to you, to message you ( or plainly just responding) every now and then.

I knew some of my friends did tried their best to tide me over my problems. Others, showed a little concern, made a little promise and then disappeared entirely. I dont understand them some times... Whats with the promised that you would listen, and not giving me any response when i talk to you?

How stressed i am over my school work, my working life and my relationship issues isnt something i can explain to anyone in a single day. Neither could i just write it here because there are too many issues that i cant say, or couldnt explain in simple english words.

I am having such light sleep each night, that i couldnt dream. And that, is followed by a headache in the next morning. And i am getting so used to feeling like this, that the headache seemed to had became a part of me.

That night, when i received that message, i finally had one night of good sleep. I had a dream, something i used to have so often in the past, but am missing it until that very day. That dream was explicit, about a wedding, about me, a close friend, 3 girls and a whole lot of man in white uniforms.

Guess i was really elated that day? But then, it soon went back to normal, after that night is done. I werent surprise.

I am starting to get worried about people around me too easily now. Even though i cant do anything, but the worries starts building up. Glad to see some friend's problems got solved eventually. And more glad to know that some, snapped out of their worries and carried on with their life. Others... Well...

kebahagiaan hanya . fahum?

Stand up

2011-10-21T00:30:00.002+08:00

(Eh, no political pun intended. I am more of talking about life in general.)

Lets just say... We all just need to find ourselves and stand up.

Dont keep depending on others, or we will never grow up.

Dont be afraid of instability and thus forgo standing up for yourself. Who knows what you would find if you choose to just stand up? =)

The message.

2011-10-20T03:04:00.002+08:00

Am actually doing fine...

Tried hard to rid myself off all the random thoughts that i had.

Then a message came.

And i realized i kinda of missed the girl who brought positivity into my life.

--

Her message came... Unexpected. But totally appreciated. Sometimes its really such random acts of concern from my friends that kept me going, kept me fighting.

Still remember during those days where i failed my first paper in university... I was in such a desperate state to give up on studies.

I had, wanted to drop out of university and just join a polytechnic, because i knew that my A level certificate is just a passport to university, and served no other purpose otherwise.

Then, i stayed on...And didnt re-start university due to the studies subsidiaries issue (which can only be used once...)

But the months after that was torturous. I couldnt take it easy. I mean, i am retaking a module. I felt like a failure then.

And a few person kept me going. Her, with her positivity, and him, with his similar scenario, and the others who helped me in other aspects of work. The few, who had held on to me, make life in university fun and enjoyable.

And today, i am even more glad that i had friends who are willing to come all the way to accompany, just because they knew i am eating alone. I have my friends who are showering their concerns despite being very busy themselves.

I guess i am really really blessed to have so many good friends in my life. Even though i havent really had any smooth sailing BGR till now, i believe that i am doing well, with the support of my friends, even though most didnt use any words or phrases to represent them. Most just used their actions, which i understood and would try my best to reciprocate.

Now, i really want to see her. The last time i saw her was at bugis, when i was helping her with the collection of the graduation gown. That was... long long ago.

Really missing her positivity and utter blurness=x Now not as sotong-ish, but is fighting too hard and not taking care of herself well...

Others...her...omitted...

(below is omitted because of a promise.)

你不知道的事

2011-10-17T22:23:00.002+08:00

蝴蝶擦几次眼睛 再学会飞行 
夜空洒满了星星 但即刻会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 爱听见呼吸 
对不起 我却没捉紧你 

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨 
碎落满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
还悬在你看不见那高空里 
多的事 你不知道的事

蝴蝶擦几次眼睛 再学会飞行 
夜空洒满了星星 但即刻会落地
我飞行 但你坠落之际
很靠近 爱听见呼吸 
对不起 我却没捉紧你 

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨 
碎落满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
还选择你看不见那高空里 
多的事 你不知道的事

oh wow oh~

我飞行 但你坠落之际

ho~oh~~

你不知道我为什么离开你
我坚持不能说放任你哭泣
你的泪滴像倾盆大雨 
碎落满地 在心里清晰
你不知道我为什么狠下心
还悬在你看不见那高空里 
多的事 你不知道的事

oh~... ...

--

I am glad that there are always songs to represent how i feel...  There are just too many things i cant post on this blog now. A promise is a promise.

Learning to lie...

2011-10-16T21:44:00.003+08:00

I really... Have to learn to lie...

And i guess she would be sad hearing this.
Back years ago, i learnt all my positivity from her. She had managed to convince me, that lying isnt part of what i want in life.

And i had lived the last few years, pure, and simple.

But...

Living a live not lying is really having a dire effect on me.

When i wanted to lie, i shut up. All because of consciences.

When i dont lie, people treat me as if i am lying.

Why is things getting so difficult for me?

All i am here, is just trying my best to stay as a good person.

I am trying hard to rid myself off my past.

Why do misunderstanding appear ever so often?

Sad at life really.

Life.

2011-10-13T01:11:00.001+08:00

Life.

There is more to life that you can see with your naked eye.

Everything about life is blurry. You make the choice to see things in that certain way.

Sometimes life seems like an awful tune, that you cant wait to escape,
and you cant wait to move pass this field of despairs and sorrows.

But, your heart stopped you.

That mischievous heart.

As we moved on with life, we started to make sense of these blurry image.

Its not that they became clearer, but rather, we began to see and understand that we dont lead our own lives.

Our lives, are interconnected between our families, friends, acquaintances and everyone else who had stepped into our lives from time to time. There is no clear distinction on how much we influence each other, or how much we had effected each others life.

What seemed to be fortunate, might be a disaster in disguise.
And what seemed to be a disaster, might be fortunate in disguise.

Life. It isnt fair. But you cant stop playing it all the same. Play for the best results; happiness.

沒有什麼東西是放不下的。There is nothing that you cant let go.

2011-10-09T09:54:00.005+08:00

这。。。不是我写的。网上找到的。

一字：赞！

(English version below. Translated by me. Hence please pardon the errors)...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

一個苦者找到一個和尚傾訴他的心事。

他說：“我放不下一些事，放不下一些人。”
...
和尚說：“沒有什麼東西是放不下的。 ”

他說：“這些事和人我就偏偏放不下。 ”

和尚讓他拿著一個茶杯，然後就往裡面倒熱水，一直倒到水溢出來。

苦者被燙到馬上鬆開了手。

和尚說：“這個世界上沒有什麼事是放不下的，痛了，你自然就會放下。”

你可能覺得難過

因為無論你對他怎麼好他都不領情

他不是看不到他只是裝作看不到

或者他根本不想看到

你覺得自己很喜歡他

甚至覺得再沒有一個人可以像你那麼喜歡他

你用盡全力對他好

把他看的比自己還重要

有什麼事情第一個就想到他

聯繫不到他的時候你擔心他擔心的快瘋了

然而你有沒有想過

這並不在你的責任範圍

而且很有可能他是在躲著你

他受不了你對他那麼好

不要一直發短信給他

不要一直找他

你也許只是想找他說說話

你覺得那很正常不算苛求

但是也許他並不這麼想

記住你的想法不代表他的想法

你是真的不求回報的在喜歡他嗎

你捫心自問一下

你確定不用他回報什麼嗎

那為什麼你會難過

若是真的一無所求

你又怎麼會覺得難過呢

所以別覺得你那麼愛他是偉大的

也許他根本不在乎你怎麼為他付出

有時候你給他的愛或許是種負擔

這種負擔只會讓他更加想遠離你

因為他不想虧欠你

別事事為他擔心為他張羅

你覺得他沒有你不行

你覺得別人做不到你那麼完善

但是你要清楚

你不是他要的那個人

你做的再完善也敵不過人家不做

那個位置本來就不是你的

你何必硬要擠上去呢

你說道理你都懂只是你做不好

喜歡他不是你的錯

想關心他不是你的錯

控制不住自己不是你的錯

但是那是你的方式

人家不一定就能接受你這種所謂無私的愛

所以如果你喜歡他他不喜歡你

那麼就請你默默的

別試圖讓他知道

就算你會難過甚至難過的流淚

就請你默默的

就算是逼自己也好

一定要忍著

傻孩子。

忘了吧。所有你留戀的。你回憶的。你擁有過的。

那些。都已是記憶。

缺失並不可怕。

可怕的，是無法面對。

傻孩子。

你無法輕易忘記放棄。是因為你付出過。

付出了，她就會像柱子一樣紮根在心。

不要刻意去逃避。刻意忘記。那隻會讓你更痛苦。

繞開這個柱子。尋找未來的幸福生活吧。

那裡，有你的理想。

傻孩子。

開始新的習慣吧。

習慣，每天一個人生活。

習慣。一個人過生日。一個人行走。

習慣。走過熟悉的路。面對熟悉的景。

你逃不掉。逃不掉的。

那麼，就勇敢面對。現實。

現實是。一切。畫上了句點。

傻孩子。

勇敢看著鏡子中的自己吧。

這個悲傷軟弱滿面憔悴的自己。

這也是你。成長中的你。

這個你。正在逐漸死去。

新的你。即將重生。

找尋你的路，你的未來。

你知道的，所有的浩劫。都是成長的祭奠。

做最好的自己。即使。一個人。

傻孩子。

好，好。盡情發洩吧。

剝開自己的心，用文字，用聲音，用所有能發洩的方式。

洩完了。就要振作。

看吧，你失去的。其實微不足道。

還有那麼多人關心著你。以不同的方式。

所以，你並不孤獨。

正是這樣的失去。讓你看清現在所擁有的幸福。

傻孩子。

別哭，別再哭。

不值得。真的。不值得了。

把過去塵封吧。別委屈。別不甘心。別不接受。

開始新的旅程吧。去遇見新的風景。新的際遇。

做你該做的事吧。有很多事。等待著你完成呢。

傻孩子。

生活褪去了曾有的顏色。暫時寧靜。

別沉淪在這片寧靜裡。那會毀掉你。

你要明白，雖然殘忍，但這個決定。足夠正確。

現在的生活，不是你想要的。

為了你的理想，你必須學會適時放棄。

給對方最好的關懷。就是。變的更好，更強大，更幸福。

現在我對你很好，很好，很好，你不需要，你無所謂，你不在乎，你不珍惜。

當某天，你被傷害，想起我，那時的我再也做不到像現在這樣一如既往，不顧一切的對你好了。

因為那時的我，已經將你放低。

原來，放低一個人，最後是被對方逼出來的。

-Because this post is supposed for a guy who is not very good in chinese.

Translation for a friend

A person suffering found a monk and told him his problems.

He said:" I cant let go of somethings, and i cannot let go of some people."
...
The monk said:" There is nothing that you cant let go."

He said:" I just cant let go of THESE stuff and people!"

The monk let him hold a tea cup, and began to pour hot water in it, until it overflow.

The sufferer, on being scald, let go of the cup immediately.

The monk said:" There is nothing in this world that you cant let go of. Once you feel the pain, you would naturally let it go."

"
You might feel sad
Because no matter how good are you to her, she will not appreciate it
Its not that she doesnt sees in, but she choose to ignore it
Or maybe, she just dont want to see it at all.

You felt that you really loved her
Even to the extend that you feel that no one, can love her like you do

You did your best to be kind to her
Even to the extend that she becomes more important than you

She would always be the first thing on your mind

When you cant contact her, you would worry, worry until the point that you almost go crazy

However, you had never consider this...
That she is not part of your responsibility

And most probably, she's avoiding you
She could not stand how good you are to her

Dont keep sending her SMS
Dont keep contacting her

Maybe you just wanted to find her to have a chat
To you, it feels normal, and never a big deal
But she might not think that way
Remember that your thoughts does not represent how she thinks

Are you really loving her and not expecting anything in return?

Ask yourself in your heart
Are you sure that you wanted nothing in return?
Then why are you sad?

If you really did not want anything,
Why would you feel sad?

So, dont think that you are noble by loving her this way
Maybe she dont care about how much you care about her at all.
Sometimes, the love you had for her, is a burden.
This burden, would only want to make her avoid you.
Because she doesnt want to owe you anything...
Dont worry about everything that happened to her

You feel that she will not survive without you
You feel that others wouldnt be as good as you to her

But you must understand.
You are not the one she wanted
No matter what you do, you would even to the one who did nothing.
The seat was never yours.
Why do you force yourself onto the seat?
You understood the reason, but you couldnt stop yourself

Loving her was not your fault
Wanting to care about her wasnt your fault either
Unable to control yourself isnt your fault, too

But these are your methods,
Others might not be able to accept your kind of "self-less" love

So, if you love her, but she doesnt love you
Then, please keep it to yourself
Dont let her know.
Even if you would be sad, even if you teared because of the sorrows
Please just keep it to yourself.

Even if you have to force yourself,
You have to endure.

Silly child.
Let it go. All that you missed. All that you remembered. The things you once had.
These. Are only memories now.

Losing it isnt scary.
What is frightening, is that you are not able to let go of it.

Silly child.
If you are not able to let go easily, its because you had did your best for her.
Once you gave your best, she would be like a pillar etched deep in your heart.

Dont try to avoid it deliberately or try to forget. These would make you more sad.
Step beside it and search for the better future.
There, you would find your dream.

Silly child.
Start a new hobby.
Get use to, living alone everyday.
Get use to, celebrating your birthday alone, walking alone
Get use to, walking past these familiar roads, and face the familiar scene.

You cant escape. Its unavoidable.
Then, be courageous and face it. Reality.
The reality is, everything, everything had came to an end.

Silly child.
Have the courage to look at yourself in the mirror.
The sad, soft and frail self.
That is you. The you who is growing up.
This is you, slowly dying.
The new you, is going to be reborn soon.

Find your path, your future
You understand this, all this problems, is part of growing up.
Be the best you can be. Even if you have to be alone.

Silly child
Okay, okay, just let go of yourself.
Open up your heart, use words, your voice, use every method you have to release your feelings.
Once you are done. You have to get yourself up.

Look at this, all that you had lost. Are actually nothing.
There are so many others who care about you, just that their methods are different.

Hence, you are not alone.
Even if you just lose her like this, at least you had a chance to see all that love and happiness you now have.

Silly child.
Dont cry, dont cry anymore.
Not worth it, really, not worth it.

Let the past be gone. Dont torture yourself. Dont hold on because you dont bear to. Accept it.
Start a new journey. Go out and see the new world, meet new people.

Do what you should. There are still alot of things waiting for you to complete.

Silly child.
The colors of life had faded. You had regain peace once again.
Dont sink deep in this peace. It will destroy you.

You must understand, though this choice is cruel, this choice, is adequately correct.
The live that you have now, is not the one you want to have.

For your dreams, you have to let to let go.
Give the latter your concern. Which is, to becuae better, stronger and happier.

I am very very very good to you now. You dont need it. You dont care. You dont appreciate it.
When someday, when you are down and out, and you thought of me. I cant be like in the past, willing to give up everything just to be kind to you.
Because by then, i would have reduced your place in my heart.

The fact is, reducing a person's place in your heart, is all due to pressure by the latter.

Family ties

2011-10-07T22:37:00.001+08:00

Because... No matter what happened, you should never forget what your parents had did for you.

The 9 months of pregnancy.

The years of taking care of you while you were a baby...
Until you were able to walk, able to think...

Those who had cooked for you, loved you, took care of you, kissed you while you were sad, sick or down.

Those, who had stood by you, no matter how you treated them.

How, could you be cruel to forget all that they had done for you?
How, could you walk out of the family, the man, the women who had took care of you with utmost care when you were sick?
Remember those times where you would just lie on your bed, all sick, and there would be this person...
Coming in from time to time, to send you medicine, to check on you, to tell you that you would be well very soon?

How about those times where you need someone to talk to, but your friends just isnt the ones who seemed sensible enough to be talked to?

Who, gave you the confidence, the support to fly, even though they didnt want it at all?

Who did cry at their bedside when you started going against their wishes? Their desperation and hopes for the best of you, just dashed into oblivion because you thought that you are old enough to think for yourself.

Who, risked all they had, all their years of bonding with you, just trying to protect you, and yet, received nothing, but all the worse treatment you ever gave?

Who held their anger when you hurt them and told them that you wished you werent born when you were angry?

Who... despite all that tiredness, did all that for you and the family, so that you can have enough food, and able to grow into a butterfly with beautiful wings?

Yes, there was those disagreements,

How they seemed to locked you down, control you and restrict your freedom.

But all that, built up your resolve to be who you want to be.

How many of them are cheated on the streets?

How many others had turned to the darkside, getting involved in fights, started smoking, drinking, bullying, even drugs, hooliganism to self mutilation?

How many of them took it upon themselves that they had nothing, no one to depend on because they misinterpret how the parents cared for them?

Those locks; it forge you. It gives you resolve.
If you just took a little time to understand what these locks means, you would understand that they are not meant to hold you down.

They are meant to lead you towards the right direction.

Yes, the method seems atrocious, but the intention is simple; its clear.

These locks would be released once you are able to think for yourself.
...When, you are able to fend for yourself.

Yet, even when you are able to fend for yourself, it doesnt stop their worries.

For no parents stops worrying about their children, until they die, or their child die.

You would always be the GEM of their heart.

Love your parents, always.

儿子：“我要好吃的。”
父母：“好好好，买。多吃点别饿着。”
儿子：“我要衣服。”
父母：“好好，买。多穿点别冻着。”
儿子：“我要结婚。”
父母看着住了半辈子的房，再看看儿子，微笑着说：“…好。买房。”几年后，儿子跪在墓前泣不成声：“我要你们。”这次他没有得到任何回答。。。

-不要等到没有了父母才懂得珍惜。。。

Hold On, Wilson Philips

2011-10-06T20:23:00.000+08:00

"Hold On"

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

[Chorus:]
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
You've got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin' your worries pass you by
Don't you think it's worth your time
To change your mind?

[Chorus]

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Won't you tell me now
Hold on for one more day 'Cause
It's gonna go your way

Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can't you change it this time

Make up your mind
Hold on
Hold on
Baby hold on

2011-10-04T12:46:00.000+08:00

李圣杰 - 最近

你最近不说话
怎麽了为什麽
是不是有什麽事让你不快乐
听说你最近很孤单
有点乱有点慌
可是我却不能够在你的身旁
你想要的
我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束
不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
爱我却不能给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的
我们不适合也不想认输
好几次我们抱着彼此都是想要哭
你常解释这样的一切都只是开始
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束
不想再约束
不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的情路
这一次我们都能很幸福

2011-10-04T02:16:00.001+08:00

Depressed

2011-10-03T01:36:00.003+08:00

I am sorry.
I am sorry.I am sorry.
I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.
I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.
I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.
I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.
I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.I am sorry.

Because i am just a simple man.
Because i had stepped too much into the game.

Because, that was a nice sleep. Thanks for accompanying me. What we shared that night on this soft comfy bed shall remain between us.

The soft, tender loving caress, relinquishing hope, freedom and harmony. Lets not care whats outside our world when we share our loving thoughts and dreams.

Wake me up when September ends

2011-10-01T00:19:00.002+08:00

"Wake Me Up When September Ends", Green day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my father's come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when September ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends
wake me up when September ends
wake me up when September ends

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The fact is, i didnt really like the lyrics, nor the song ( i find it awfully noisy.)

But, it just happens that its the song title that meant everything.

Look at the date now. October 1st. I am awake.

Not just literally, but mentally and physically.

I am determined to know clearly what i am doing, and to work towards a simple, happy life.

I had really learnt a lot about how girls think the last few weeks. And i would say, its great knowledge! I am now confident of knowing, getting and keeping a girl friend ( if i found a suitable one.) Reason being, i know how to know, get and keep a nice girl.

Because, every girl wants someone to love. And every guy, the same.

--

Wake up people! September had ended!

Bugis

2011-09-30T01:23:00.004+08:00

Right now when i am typing this... I cant help but feel a pair of eye prying at me, trying to get some ideas out of my post.

But thats okay. Its my blog. And i left it open. Anyone can read it if they want to know me more.

--

My friends and i went to get my desktop settled down over at bugis area...

And while waiting for all the configurations to be done, we headed over to bugis street for a walk.

And man, reminiscence man. All sorts of images came floating back. Things that we had done before, cloths that that we had past by and stuff. It doesnt help that my friend was talking about his experience too while being there too.

I got emotional. Bet no one notice though. Or maybe except one guy. Haha.

--
But whatever the case it, i stared at myself in the mirror there and thought about how do i looked physically. I started to wonder if i look fat and ugly...

Haha! For once, i feel vain. I feel like just spamming all my money just to look good, handsome and fit. I feel like gaining that extra confidence that my friend told me while driving me to his office then.

He said...

" menthol shampoo, menthol shower cream, menthol face wash! Anything to make yourself feel fresh! Anything to make yourself feel fresh for a good start in the morning! There you will find confidence in whatever you do! Then slim down, get some nice clothings, spent a little more! You will find yourself having even more confidence! And girls will like you more too! "

Now i am wondering...Should i? I need to employ someone who would "design" me first. Anyone up to the bill?

Stars

2011-09-29T00:14:00.001+08:00

Stars, Nelly Furtado.

There are so many stars in the sky tonight
Which one will I take in my hand?
There are so many ways I can live a life
Which one will I make part of my plan?
There are so many spirits in the air tonight
Trying to pull me away

You're a part of me
You're in every breath that I breathe
And every step forward that I take
And then I take a step backwards
And I can't see your face

You're a part of me
You're in every song that I sing
And every bird that sings to me
This is what I dream
To be real
This is my reality

There are so many songs on the people's faces
Everyone could be yours but they're not
And all is lost if I count the truth
To my own heart

You're a part of me
You're in every breath that I breathe

And every step forward that I take
And then I take a step backwards
And I can't see your face

You're a part of me
You're in every song that I sing
And every bird that sings to me
This is what I dream
To be real
This is my reality

Because my heart is a lonely hunter
Dying to strike out
Grabbed you into my world when you didn't even ask
But you always knew that you had a past

You're a part of me
You're in every breath that I breathe
And every step forward that I take
And then I take a step backwards
And I can't see your face

You're a part of me
You're in every song that I sing
And every word that speaks to me
This is what I believe
To be real
This is my reality

2011-09-27T22:26:00.003+08:00

I am sitting here and thinking of what to put inside that folder.

This, would be, my last gift, last return for the kindness i had received?

I dont know how to face it further. I am tired, i am dying... And i suck at life.

Because i had people who are concerned about me, but finding me increasing irritating.

I had people telling me that they are worried about me. And i thank you for that.

Pity, i dont feel any love from friends ; the true act of concern.

Well, maybe except one (and no, its not from a girl. Irony much?).

But its okay. I do understand. This is Singapore anyways. People are more concerned about their business. And guys like me, who always wanted concern and care, dont get much of it. Its part and parcel of being a direct guy anyways. Someone that many shun, and others who are close to you, dont dare to show you concern, for fear of being "scolded" by me.

Haha.

Well, i advice, i dont bite. And i dont stop you in your decisions.

Thats me. Get it clear.

--

Either case, i am still waiting for news. Or rather, i am eager to know the news, but i am afraid of knowing it. Either case, it wouldnt be a good thing; its just whether its short term or long term.

I dont know if i want to know or not know either. I am dead worried. But worry is one thing. If i know, i might be more worried.

The irony.

--

Either ways,

speedy recovery to my dear friends. physically and mentally! =)

2011-09-24T22:48:00.004+08:00

I am still worried.

Much as i know their is no point worrying, cause even if anything do really happen... There is absolutely nothing that i can do.

And, i should really just move on and let it be.

Let everything died down. Just be a normal friend who dont worry, but just focus about having fun.

But...

Sometimes, its really just easy to tell others, that hey! Let it be! Let it be so. But you still cant help but worry.

When the moment comes, emotions just take over.

Its so obvious yesterday who is affected, and who isnt. Much as we tried to hide, we are still very affected. Its awkward, really. The feel is awkward.

Its like, we played...And played... And while we are there physically, our minds isnt. Its evident too, in how we looked, talked, think and played.

Everyone is affected, worried and really just cant wait to know that she is safe and sound.

--

As per most nights nowadays, sleeping had became something really difficult. It had no longer become a tired, lie down and rest issue. It had became, tired, go shower, let the warm water rush across your head for half an hour... Then as you feel a bit more relaxed, try to lie on the bed and rest.

5 minutes later, you wake up thinking about all the what-ifs...

About all the things that could possibly happen and what could i do... How could i assist and stuff.

I really cant sleep well. This 2 weeks had been chaotic. And right now, i am more worried than ever.

I know i have to let things be. Let it flow... No more interruptions and just try to move on with life. But, its just difficult, because of her importance.

--

And right, i am getting stubborn on my thoughts. The wait is excruciating. Much worse than whatever had happened in the past.

And yes people, i am getting repetitive, irritatingly stubborn and more and more dazed.

I need rest, really. But i just cant, until i know everything is really fine...

--

Anyways... I found this link on facebook. Talks about when people are ready for marriage.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-you-know-its-time-to-get-married/

I find it quite accurate. Funny, but meaningful.

Trust, is still the dire factor for any relationship to blossom into a marriage.

it left...

2011-09-23T02:50:00.002+08:00

And it left.

This feeling,

it resides within me.

Kinda understand a lot of things. Things, that i have no way of explaining clearly.

The influence from the foreign nation is too big.

And this invading nation, is just tuned to make me suffer. Make the world have an wrong impression of me.

--

And this time round, this foreign nation is in favor of a full surrender. Surrender to those who would take them as prisoners of war, never letting them see daylight.

There is a choice though; you could choose to stand up, be proud of what you did and end this war once and for all. Or you could just let yourself be a prisoner of war and continue to suffer.

Why not take a step out, fight for yourself. Once you step out, assist fire would be all around. We will make sure you win this war.

--

praying.

Fated.

2011-09-21T02:08:00.003+08:00

Very...Sad at this moment.

Sad because a few of my friends broke up with their partners. Infact, for thos who are concerned, 7 of my friends broke up with their partners just this two weeks alone.

And you are telling me, that you think i am kidding, right?

Well, if you are interested to know, it all started last last saturday night. A girl whom i had not contacted with since months ago, suddenly called me and told me that she had broke up with her boyfriend.

Kinda stunned really, and afraid, because this girl, had a history of slashing her wrist, which kind of scare me...

The next night(sunday night), yet another called me and told me similar stuff... Just that this one had a lot more stories involved. Then the whole matter dragged and dragged.

It hurts me. Really. To see my friends sad.

And just yesterday, i received another news from a guy, who actually messaged us to accompany his now-ex girlfriend. That message pissed me off really. "Time to show us being true friends" ? How egoistic do you want to be?

And also yesterday, another friend broke off with her boyfriend over some issues i did not know. I tried to asked her to called me, but she didnt. In the end, i still have no idea what is happening.

and 2 more from facebook. One is my ex-army mate, and another is my "mei" since secondary school. Yup, if you want to know (again) , i do have two "mei" for which they would always call me gor whenever they see me.

That makes 6. Quoting something from Ripley's: Unbelievable? Believe it.

(I know people wouldnt believe me. So many just in this two weeks? If you die die want confirmation, i can prove it. But you would have to put in something of equivalent effort for me to prove it to you.)

I dont know how many many eventually patched up. I only know, i spent a lot of effort on some of them trying to council them. It wasnt easy for me to face all this you know? Whats more so many at one go, with 3 of them telling me they want to kill themselves.

I am worried. Dead worried. I had spent the last week counciling, talking and trying to help them. Deep inside, i am afraid. I am afraid that they would do something silly. One has a history of wrist slashing, another is impulsive, the other one is plain... lost, but had too many things bothering her at one shot.

--

Sometimes, i do feel that it had taken a toll on me. People around me dont understand me. Everytime i show concern, its about me trying to get a relationship. Everytime, i try to reason to them, they dont try to digest my words. Either that, they took it, and then, denial it, and continue doing it.

I can feel my insignificance. Really.

I dont want to be who i am anymore. I am really tired.

I will just give a smile and not talk anymore about it. Why should i use my time, understand the problem, try to resolve the problem, doing my best for the people around me, only for them to not listen to me?

Haha..I am so dead tired. Let me rest. Let me rest.

--

And, to top that off, lady luck had been playing a fool of me.

My tire burst, not once, but twice on the bicycle trip towards vivo city just now. And the joke is even made greater because i was so near... That place...

When my tire burst, i suddenly felt so useless. I cant do anything at all. I tried my best to assist, and ended up bursting the replacement tube. The loud burst almost made me deaf, sends me re-curring ringing in the ear for a short moment and made me a lot more pessimistic than i already am.

I felt like crap. I cant do anything watching all this problems happening to my friends. Neither could i do anything regarding my own problems, neither could i handle any of the school's problem. And this time round, i cant even get up by myself without help from a friend.

My friend was telling me... "At least, dont give up without a fight."

I saw him struggle, i saw him tried his best, but to no avail.

Kinda like me. Did so much, but in the end, i am just slapping myself in the face. Struggled so hard, just to see the same things happening again.

I guess this is god's way of telling me to give up. Its telling me, just let things be. And that i needed help. And these assistance had always been around.

I do feel sad sometimes, that i am often very dependent on him. But i havent really done anything to treat him right. He had been there for me, for my sorrows, he had been providing me invaluable knowledge and expertise on my bicycle and even providing those parts for my bicycle at no charge at all.

Yet, i havent really done anything for him.

No, things will change. I will appreciate kindness with kindness.

I think i am really lucky at times.

Although i havent had all the very best. I do have a lot of support from my friends.

From those who would support me in dire trouble,
To my friends who would listen and make me feel more relaxed
To support from my friend when we are outside
To people who would drop me friendly advices from time to time
To people who had provided me with positive energy all the time
To buddies who would let me know that there would be people who would appreciate my character

I thank you. I thank you for being there.

I really do.

2011-09-20T21:59:00.002+08:00

Yes, and DailyHoroscope just hit the jackpot again.

"An awkward comment or unintentional criticism from a friend or a family member could leave you feeling wounded, angry and resentful. The person who utters this verbal faux pas is often saying things that push your buttons. Since this is somewhat of a pattern, you would think that you'd get use to it by now, and you'd able to overlook it. Make that your next big goal. ___, you do know that this person truly does mean well, and might really have difficulty hitting that "edit" button. But the bottom line is that anything this person says comes from the heart and with the only goal of helping you or making your life better."

I am really starting to find horoscope interesting.

man-made disaster.

2011-09-20T13:34:00.005+08:00

Maybe its really meant to be this way...

I should get more sleep.

There are so many things that we cannot change in life.

Those are called nature disasters.

Or the current age, like chernobyl, man-made disasters.

Disasters caused by human actions, that, occurs when things, bulidings etc are created without the long term in mind. Things are built for the benefit of "now".

What seems to be the best now, might not be the best for the future. What seems to be impregnable, like the titanic and the fukushima disaster still failed.

And the ones who suffered are not those who own or built these structures. Its those around them. Even those who strongly protested.

But who cares? It wouldnt be until those surrounding dies, that they realized they had to speak the truth. It would be until then, that they will decide to do something about it, trying to upgrade, trying to shut down, trying all sorts of measures...

But, the damage had been done. Minor damage to those owners(after all, its just money). Major effects on the surrounding(families, friends, disease, deformities, death, econonomic, country as a whole.).

--

:)

The feeling

2011-09-19T21:43:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, while you are deep in the picture, you dont see the problem you are facing.

You sink yourself, everyday, enduring things, hoping things will change.

Thats denial.

Knowing the problem, but tryng to escape or sinking your tooth, deeply, just not wanting to let go.

Trying to change yourself, the most stupid way, in order to hold on.

What do you gain? More tears? More pain?

What about the future? Is it bright? Where do you see yourself?

--

Looking at what i had done thus far, i began to ask myself, what exactly am i doing? Here i am, stuck in a course, which i am gradually losing interest in. I am slowly changing from learning, exploring and growing interest, to dead memorising... And not knowing what all the stuff is about.

But at least, i know, the future will be bright after 4 years.

I know at least, even if this degree dont get me to anywhere, i would definitely have my events side to fall on. And my starting business.

I know wealth will roll in, if i just get a class 3/4 and start dabbling in transport. I am having so many contacts that sometimes, i do feel ready to give up my studies.

haha.

But no. Studies wise, its a dead 4 years. I am gonna get through it.

--

(Yes, for those who knew me, you would have guessed that i am not thinking about studies right now. Isnt it ironic that i can still talk so much crap despite not thinking about studies? Thats denial. Self-denial. And its just pure stupidness; I am gonna let it die. )

lalala...

2011-09-15T22:53:00.004+08:00

Been...

More than a week since i last posted anything.

I am still worried. And i guess i will always do.

Haha. About what you asked?

A friend.

What happened?

Dont ask.

Haha...

--

But deep inside, i am not taking it good. I want to see this friend through it, really.

This is a difficult time. A tough decision to make.

Sorry friends, if i had appeared to be very busy this few days. I had been, really busy handling a lot of stuff. This problem is the bulk of it, but there is also school work and work stuff.

Ironically, problems are everywhere. I am not coping well with school work. I am having a lot of problems at work due to the lousy client. And i am doing my best to aid in this complication.

I am a simple guy. I always like to keep things simple. I do my stuff obviously. I dont like to hide nor lie; its plain torturous... And tiring.

I want so much to help this friend settle the complications and move on with life. And i had done what i could and what i should as a friend.

Even though i am getting more and more accusations of me doing all this just for benefits... I am prepared to live with all this nonsense.

People who dont know know anything can say all they like.

BUT, if you dont consider the opinions of people who DO know, that is where the problem will come in.

And i am just praying for the best.

--

" You dont live alone. We are all around. And we all believe in you. "

Happy day=)

2011-09-07T22:59:00.002+08:00

Seriously,

I dont know why, too...

Today just feels good...

Feels...Smooth...

Like everything is going in the right way.

In the very direction that i want them to be.

Love the response. Love the way it is responded.
Love the company. Love the way i am accompanied.
Love the thoughts. Love the way that i am thinking.
Love the flow. Love the way things is moving on.
Love the goals. Love the simple target i had set for myself to do.

Current testing recipe:
Pandan skin with pandan lotus filling.
Normal skin with pandan lian yong filling
Pandan skin with lotus paste.

Hopefully, moon cake soon!

No change.

2011-09-06T23:18:00.003+08:00

I still cant get pass certain things.

Why?

Because i dont change. I dont know why i cant. Or maybe i just need someone to tell me to change.

I still...
I still...

I still do...
I really do...

And i will be here...
I will still be here...

Waiting...
Waiting for?

--

Its okay, the above is not meant to be understood. This blog isnt really meant to understood anyways... At least thats why so many people misunderstood what i wrote, my intentions, feelings and so.

I wrote all this to seek understanding, seek solace... But i am getting not nothing close to that.

Guess its just because the world is more cruel than i think?

And man are more selfish than i thought?

I am still glad that i have good friends who care though. The other gossip mongers who kinda added much salt to my wound...Seriously, they need to get a life...

--

Resolve.

So, after the many days of quarrel, things finally simmered...

To a stable, acceptable state...

But...

I dont like it...

I hate the distance...

And i could only feel that its increasing...

I dislike myself for feeling so good just being around sometimes...

I am reluctant to forgo all thee good times we shared...

I just feel so good, so confident, just being there...

And i wonder, is it mutual? This feel of confidence and happiness?

Or is it just me again?

Maybe, its just me, really me. Nothing else, but me.

没那种命，陈晓春。

《分享》伍思凯

2011-09-05T13:12:00.002+08:00

时间已作了选择
什么人叫做朋友
偶尔碰头
心情却能一点就通
因为我们曾有过
理想类似的生活
太多感受
绝非三言两语能形容
可能有时我们顾虑太多
太多决定需要我们去选择
担心会犯错
难免会受挫
幸好一路上有你陪我
与你分享的快乐
胜过独自拥有
至今我仍深深感动
好友如同一扇窗
能让视野不同
与你分享的快乐
胜过独自拥有
至今我仍深深感动
好友如同一扇门
让世界开阔
让世界变开阔

--

Time had made its choice...
Who are those whom we called friends
Sometimes we collide...
But we understand how each other felt...
Because we once shared...
A dream thats so similar..
Too many feelings...
That cannot be described by words...
Maybe its because we considered too much...
Afraid that we would commit a mistake...
We would have to face failures at times...
But i am glad that you are with me on the way...
The joys shared with you...
Beats any joy that i had on my own...
I could still feel th joy even till now..
Good friends are like a window...
It opens you up to a world of different views...
It opens you up to the world...
And make the world open up to you...

--

Reminiscing...=)

--

The magic of truth and lies (and iPods)

2011-09-04T18:53:00.004+08:00

Lets just say...

This is not just a magic show; its tells you a lot more about truth, lies, deceptions and a lot more.

Sometimes, it does not take 2 hands to clap. Really. One had is more than enough.
(go think about it =) Haha! )

2011-09-01T11:47:00.002+08:00

I am, contemplating whether to write this today.

A lot happened this few days.

But, i dont feel like being Captain Obvious no more.

(Its crazy i tell you. Its crazy the amount of things that flowed through my mind. And i am plain crazy just being effected by it.)

1.
"you are emo most of the time because you cared too much to the unsuitable girl."

Haha! That,i would have to admit. Its not that she did anything wrong (nor unsuitable). But I am the one overly concerned. Frankly, i still am concern. Very concern even at this point of time. Not many people would understand what she meant to me.

2.
"I am not happy with you, because you refuse to accept who you really are."

Again. This is true. Even I cant accept who i really am, at least for now. I look at the past few years i had been living; While i enjoyed being candid, being specific about details, being observant, being decisive... I havent been really accepted for being so. I had all sorts of misunderstandings, others labeled me a "stalker" because i knew too much, being labeled stubborn because i decide things for them (while on the go ). I still dont understand why making decisions when the whole group cant decide, IS being stubborn.

But then i guess, there are just too many things that i dont understand. I could choose to be less observant, so i wouldnt know, or i could choose to be like the rest... Just go "dont know... you decide lor."(and then come back to complain later.)

Haha! Sometimes i really dont know how to live my life.I only seek happiness, seek ease, seek simplicity. But my life hasnt been any of that.

--

I am still waiting. In which i would gladly wait. For a reply that's worth listening to.

For you are worth the wait.

--

2011-08-30T19:23:00.004+08:00

Hey, is she really that special to you?

I never thought anyone can understand how much,
but you do.

--

Running aint freedom. You should know that.

--

(from Fast and Furious 5.)

About Myself

2011-08-30T01:26:00.002+08:00

(seriously, dont bother reading this post. )

I am testing how to write without emotions. But of course, this post is not that simple either. Good luck guessing what this post is about! Haha! (And no, no hidden text either. Plain english.) )

I woke up this morning, walked into the toilet, took a brush off the rack, applied some toothpaste and started brushing my teeth. I peered into the mirror as the brush goes up and down within my mouth, watched as the white bubbles began to form and flood my mouth, causing me to vomit. I spewed everything out onto the toilet bowl in order to avoid choking my sink.

Then i moved back towards the living room and sat down on the sofa. To my right is the coffee table. On top of it lies the remote control for the television. I tapped on the "on" button and the lights of the television came on. In front of me stood two person, a guy and a girl, apparently reading out the news. Using the same remote, i pressed "103" on the number pad, which brings me to a chinese channel showing some fighting scenes. Off the television and went towards my study room to prepare my bag.

Placed my laptop into my bag, along with all the accessories such as the charger and the mouse. Zipped up my bag and proceeded on to my room to get changed.

Then i walked towards the door, opened the wooden door and the metal gates and stepped out of the house to go towards school.

The all time low...

2011-08-28T01:50:00.002+08:00

Spent a day today with super low morale...

Thought of all the failures and success that i had gone through since young.

And yes, you guessed it. Failures made up the majority of these events.

Lets just say, i did not really fail... But rather, i just never made it to become one of the top few. I am always the jack of the trade, but never the creme de la creme.

I know very well that i am capable of doing lots and lots of things. I am capable of making things happen. But, i could never bring anything to perfection.

Maybe, its because i had never put in my 100% in whatever i do. But i just realize, when i DO give my 100%, it often went to waste. Just like this afternoon. I put in my 100% to play. My partner threw away 50% of my effort by serving to the net, and the other 50% was screwed because my luck was bad. Bad bad placing really. A lot more games could be won; but it all went to waste because we had out strongest pitted against their strongest, resulting in losing that game, AND the subsequent game, which otherwise could be won by placing the latter there.

Sometimes, i do think, i am, but a bottom crawler. I survived through savaging refutes and hang on to dear life by doing whatever i can to survive. I relaxed my ego, i adapt, just to survive. Just to make sure that, i can live to tell my tale.

But still, it often haunts me that i never gets what i wanted. Its always, adapt, adapt and adapt. Too much of adaptation, that made me lose myself.

I know i have friends who are concerned. But i have yet to find someone who truly care about my life and death. I am a friend. Just a friend to everybody. Someone whom, you gave a bit of attention whenever you sees that i am sad or down. But no one ever care to probe much. No one really want to know more about me and my life.

I am a story book, something, whom you read, and forget about me afterwards. When you happen to notice me at the corner of the shelve, you would take a look at me, brush off the cobwebs and comment about the pages which had turned yellow. Maybe read me one more time... And i am back to my secluded life within the cupboard.

--

Dont get me wrong; i never look down on my own abilities. I do know that having lots of different skills makes me advantages in a lot of situations.

But being useful but do not stand out just makes you lose all the benefits of being an elite. Being good in a specialized skill makes you an elite. Knowing a bit about everything just makes you useful, but never recognized.

Thats life seriously. Thats why many rather be the top in a lower market, smaller company, then be a mid wage earner in a large company. Even though you might earn more being a mid wage earner, you might never ever be recognized because you dont stand out.

Just like me. I can do sports, i can study, i work well, i got above average communication skills. But i am never someone recognized; because i dont stand out in either of theses.

Just me...

2011-08-26T17:52:00.002+08:00

Makes the 8th day today.

Guess i am still silly.Still sitting here, wondering if she had recovered.

I dont understand why am i still worried though... Its kind of like... Within me. How do i just drop it off and tell myself not to worry??

Strangely, everything is so one-sided. Yet, even though i know pretty well, that its a one sided event, i still cant control myself, but worry.

What are you doing boy? Wake up!
--

My friend wrote this in facebook the other day.

"Tips to be a gentleman: Practice what you preach; never despise people when you do the same."

(explanation: To be a gentlemen, you do what you say, and do not look down on others when you (would) commit the same mistake as they would.)

I was thinking... This sentence sure is amazing. I mean, lots of people would just look at others, thinking that what they had done, is wrong. And the next moment, do the same thing.

I was telling her...

"But people rarely notice that they are repeating the actions of the "lesser" being."

(explanation: People often commit the same wrong things that others committed. My idea was, they didnt notice it. As in, they didnt know they were committing the same mistake.)

But what she said further on inspired me.

"They are aware of these repetitive actions, but they prefer to live in self denial."

(explanation: They KNOW what they are doing, just that they continue to do it even if they know its wrong to do so. The refusal for things to end.)

--

That inspired me, really. I mean, we all LOVE to live in self-denial(at least i think i use to). We didnt care about what is good for us, but rather, blindly pursue something that might not be beneficial to us. Its just the X-factor sometimes. Something that is there, which sort of makes us willing to keep repeating our mistake, even though we know that each time we do it, we would feel more and more hurt.

And we all hope this hurt will end, people will change, things will change.

Hoping, the sun will start rising from the west and the earth would start rotating towards the west.

Haha, thats life.

What i have learnt

2011-08-24T23:17:00.002+08:00

Every time after a major event in my life, i did seat back positively and think about all the experience that i had gotten from what had happened.

Lets just say, whatever happened had happened. I had done my best and i have state my point. Whatever happens from now on is no longer within my control. I do hope things turn out fine... But if it doesnt, then i really cant do anything much.

Either ways, i guess i really learnt a lot during this few months.

I learnt

1.to observe a person. To listen to a person, to check on the physical and mental posture of a person and to make sense of the persons' behavior.

2.to care for a person. To understand how a person felt at that particular point and administer the proper method to make that person feel better.

3.to consider the consequences of any action. To decide to what extent something can be done. And if that decision is taken, what are the damage you can take if it goes wrong.

4.to listen. To understand a person through how he or she felt by listening to what he/she says and clarify any doubts.

5.to love. The true act of giving just because you want to give. Getting together is but a process that might come with it.

6.to lie. Because sometimes, white lies are what people want to hear. Lying is reasonable as long as it clarify matters and is truly done for the good of the latter.

7.the power of explanation. Because no one understands your thoughts and idea perfectly. Explanation, in the most honest way, is but the best policy to get the idea across.

8.to reasonably conclude and execute remedial actions. Because when in agitation, people tend NOT to be able to explain what they are angry about properly. Hence, slight guessing with probes works well to understand the problem.

9.to reflect. Because as we as get more and more engross, we began to lose ourselves and not see what had gone wrong or how we had changed. To reflect let us understand what we are doing and curb ourselves should things be going the wrong way.

10.to answer. Because not all questions needs answers. So, learn to answer those which need to be answered and feign ignorant for those which answering would only brings more problem.

haha!

Might be adding more... 10 for now! Nightz!

The jog

2011-08-21T22:01:00.003+08:00

Just went for a nice jog with my friend for dinner.

Its been a long long time since we last jog. And we always have so much to talk about, regarding life, girls, work etc.

Its amazing how sometimes, people grew to understand you after some time. It takes all sorts of challenges, quarrels, problems, understanding and major complications before two would finally start to understand what each other's stand and problem is.

I believe in my friends. I had been direct to my friends all this while. Not all accepted it. But those who came back seems to have grown to be a lot more understanding and critical about the way they think and do stuff.

I remember a friend telling me, saying that he likes to hang out with me, precisely because i was direct. Speaking to me was a total no-holds-bar conversation, where we can openly talk to each other about the flaws, the strengths and the abilities of each other.

I love being direct with people, even though i know a lot of people hate me for doing that, thinking that i am insensitive and talking nonsense. I dont see it as a problem. Girls or guys, never really like being said that they had a problem. But i believe, its the resolution of all this problems that makes a person grow.

And yes, i do have a mindset of a 40 year old guy. I had friends who called me "father" and i had other friends ( a 30 year old guy )who told me that he feels that i am older than him.

I know my problem; i am always overly direct, overly concern and overly interfering. I had more or less curb the overly interfering part, by not interfering in how people do things. But the overly direct part and overly concern part still takes a lot of improvements.

There will be people mistaken my thinking, thinking that i have some ill intentions. People dont understand that its a character flaw of me being overly concern, even though the intention is pure.

You can, point out my problems anytime. Any one can, even if you are just a stranger. If you see something you dont like about me, tell me. But, dont come and talk to me about, but dont bother to explain. Or worse, use insulting words.

I had said this before, again and again. I had friends who understand it clearly and we are helping each other to improve our lives, making our life simpler and enjoying each others company. I believe the key to life is to keep improving, making your own life enjoyable, while considering the limits while doing this.

=)

6.5 months.

2011-08-19T19:46:00.002+08:00

Sorry, got to take back my words on this.

Wouldnt be the last 2 post.

Still feel that there are certain things that i need to say clearly before i am dump down the drain again.

After talking to my friend, i realized that there is the basic assumption that everything is talking about her. And this is what made her so agitated.

But the fact remains, that i only want to write about how i feel. My worries, my happiness, my sadness, my tears, my emotions.

Yes, lots of posts is talking about her this few months. But like i said before, its because i really did worried. Believe it or not, i cant say otherwise.

Yes, i know that this could add to a lot of pressure to you when i am writing in this blog. But i really have no intention for you to see it (except that one post.) I dont understand why you have to come, dig into my blog and start an argument with me?

Why cant you just say something simple like, "please dont involve me when you are writing in your blog post, twitter or facebook okay?"

That would be simple, easily understood.

Why do you have to come to me saying that i like to jump to conclusion and left a big gap of time without explanation? And then saying that i am childish on my twitter?

You have to quarrel with me, you have to say all this about me to me. To hurt me, to make me sad. To make me cry.

--

I asked myself again and again, am i ready to give up after all this trauma? Am i ready to bear all this tears? Its only been 6 months. And i had been hurt so many times by you. Sure, those was words of anger. But that doesnt mean that in a moment of anger, killing need not be punished.

You dont remember what you say in moments of anguish. You never do. I can never forget. Because that day was the day that it hit me so hard. But i stayed on, for i know, even if i have to give up, i would have to wait until the 2nd, where the case might probably had ended.

Enough is enough. You just cant control yourself in anguish. You just come blaming me for all the things that i wrote, saying all of them are posted with regards to you.

You seeked out my blog, read it and complain about it. Thanks.

I dont wanna harm you, neither could i act like a bf to you since i know you are already attached. I merely kept my feelings to my blog. And you come quarreling with me over my last place to hide?

And my tweets are somehow all target at you??? I dont understand your accusation. Never will i do. Either ways, this are my feelings. Am i trying to change you? No. Am i trying to make you do anything? No. Am i refering to you all the time? No.No.No.

I had had enough. You are the princess. You are right. You have to be right. I lost, totally.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To my friends, dont come asking about this. Its over. Not gonna talk about this no more.

The last 2 post...

2011-08-18T23:17:00.003+08:00

Sort of "asked" to write this post, even though i had wanted to write it hours ago.

Cant really sleep last night worrying about her after she told me she's not in a good mood.

Didnt understand. Didnt probe and basically try to assure her everything is fine.

I mean, i had to. What else can i do if i didnt know anything?

The whole night, i had been thinking about what is happening right now, and what could she be feeling wrong about. I could only guess that it has to be something about relationship, probably the only thing that can get her upset.

I dont know what's happening. I received a bomb, saying that i always jump to conclusion without saying anything. Frankly, its simple, if i dont know, i have to guess. And if i have to guess, i dont even go around thinking its real.

I asked, i seeked confirmation. But you dont want to tell. What can i do?

I was so heart-broken the whole afternoon. I spent the whole night worrying, wondering if you are fine, whether you would be able to work well since you didnt feel good the night before.

Ya ya, i am sure you will say, stop acting like a saint la. I am not trying to, but thats how i feel. I was really worried, even more because i didnt know what it is. And after worrying a whole night, i only received an accusation, saying that i always jump to conclusion. I asked. I did asked. I even tried to explain. But you refused to tell or explain. What else can i do?

I was tearing the whole afternoon. Even when asked for mahjong, i politely rejected. Partly because i feel like shit, and also i havent been sleeping the night before.

But because of repeated asking, i obliged, though tired and not concentrating, still wondering what happened the night before, why you have no mood and also, what's with the accusation. I obliged because my friends wants to play; i am only trying to be a friend.

When i finally got to know what's going on, I was again bombarded without explanation. I dont understand what is going on. What has my blog, got to do with you when i dont even talk about your name? You mean you are the only one that i can talk about in my blog?

Oh wait, why are you even trying to restrict my blog anyways? I owe you something? My only mean to express how i feel, with the least of the least of the events thats happening being stated.

I dont know what is happening. I really need explanations. Dont come trolling at me just like that. I dont owe you anything.

I had been nice to you. I had been there when you were down making you positive. I aid you to find job. I dont talk about whatever your relationship and try to make you give up or such. I offer myself when you need help or companionship. I give you my best gift of thought. I buy you food to make sure you have something to eat while you work. I try to make sure you take care of yourself. I always give in when we quarrel. I did all i could not to quarrel with you.

Seriously, what had i done to deserve all this from you?

My blog, is my personal space, my only mean to tell people how i feel, if they want to know it. Its not always about you you and you. It just happen that yes, i am more worried about you, which is why you appear in my blog so often. My tweets are protected, only a close community could read it.

And its my blog. You come to my blog, read it and feel anger. Of course you understand, because you are the one involved. But to others, they dont get what i am saying most of the time. Should i tell you about how many people who came and ask me about about what i am writing about?

I really dont understand what you want. but if "not bothering" is what you want, so be it. I cant and i dont want to be bothered by it. I give in my best. I did all i can from the depths of my heart to try to take care of you, care for you and guide you.

I told you before, i only want you to be happy. It hasnt change. If disappearing from your life would make you happy, i will do it.

If i am the source of unhappiness for you, then okay, i shall move out of your life.

live well.

Double Dream

2011-08-16T22:58:00.003+08:00

I woke up today with not one, but 2 very weird dreams.

And i could only say, it feels scary this time round.

Shall be more clear this time round to allow people to interpret my dreams.

So please people, let me know how YOU would interpret this dream.

--

As some of my friends would have known, i had very frequent dreams about her in the last few months. They say, 日有所思，夜有所梦, which i actually quite agree since i keep thinking about her everyday.

(Frankly, its not something i can control though... Things just come. Like when i am around her, i naturally want to take care of her. I have no idea why. Its just... *snap my fingers* like that. )

ANYWAYS,

First dream:

I dreamt about playing mahjong last night. Was on a losing spree. There is somehow some weird ruling that i could not leave the place(on a weird cliff side), unless i win the game.

Then i began to start 碰-ing...

The first 碰 was a picture of her face(?)...
The next 碰 was a picture of her hands(??)...

Then i won something like a super big win that made the 3 players playing with me jumping off the cliff...(???)

2nd dream:
(p.s. I dont know how it switched...But its a totally different dream...)

I was staying over at a friend's house because i argued with my family(?).

And then while at his place, another friend told me that this guy, was going after her, and had somehow won her heart, despite himself having another girlfriend, whom he just proposed(??).

I asked him, "Dont you already have ABCD already?"

He told me yes... But he rather have more(???).

And he took out a handkerchief to wipe my tear, which turned into blood.

Then (without doing anything), he just collapsed.

(Oh, and i woke up with a sore eye...)

--

And for some of the people who didnt know, i always had very weird dreams...

Anda, if you are free, help me interpret! Much appreciated!!=)

--

Of life.

2011-08-15T01:18:00.002+08:00

Its the more formal start of engineering tomorrow.

Kinda not ready for school. Still feels like playing mahjong, going out with friends or just working.

But i know, this is the rite of passage i have to go through.

This degree is a MUST get, regardless of what my grades are.

--

Looking at how things had turned out so far, i am glad that i am still surviving in the school. But i do know that this semester, would be one of the most difficult semester that i would have to go through.

Those few who had gone through the last few semesters with me are now... Gone...

All because i chose a different specialization from them, apart from not liasing with them over when to take each lab or tutorial.

But either case, its a good way to train up my skills to study independently too. And perhaps, get to know more friends.

Those who had been with me had been quite kind to me thus far. Even the ones whom i sort of quarreled with came up to me on msn and recommended groupmates for me.(thanks!)

Guess i am having the jitters of school restarting...

--

Still feeling kinda heavy seeing how much she have to work.

Really, if i could, i would have told her that i would take care of her and ask her to quit her job. Working from Monday to Sunday with 2 to 3 hours sleep each day is really a killer.

I really wish i can help. But i am not proficient enough to be of any assistance. I could merely give her support from the side, and remind her to take care of herself. Much as i want to be around, i couldnt; i got my own studies to do. Moreover, i am just a friend. A friend whose greatest meaning, is a companion when she wants someone to talk to.

Still... Jia you...

--

Anda, remember the book writing that i said a few post ago? Yup, i have started. Near 2k words at this point of time.

Not gonna publish it anywhere though. Haha!

Day 10: Releasal

2011-08-12T23:19:00.003+08:00

Strictly speaking, i wasnt captured.

(obviously..?)

But i restricted myself so much the last few days, that i felt as if i am captured.

I try not to go to anyone to talk about how i feel and so.

I was ready to take it myself.

Only that... It didnt do me well. It sort of turn me...eccentric.

--

But today, i let got of myself. I started everything all over.

First day of school, first day back to whatsapp-ing her again.

Hopefully, things would be back to normal soon.

--

But either ways, throughout this 10 days, i truly felt how much some of my friends cared for me.

For those people in some way or another, aided me in my thinking or plainly listened to me, i thank you for being there for me.

honour roll:

Him, for cycling with me that night and listening to my rantings over the west coast beach. Comedy club will be a huge success!

Him, for listening to me while on the way to supper at Alif. Glad that you found a job and starting next week!

Him, for listening to me over supper at 302. I like the way you sort of enlightened me. And yes, mug mug mug...And korean girls..

Him, for talking to me that night below your place. You did clarify a lot of my doubts. Really.

Him, who didnt do anything much, but some how realized that my mind is not in the game. Hmmm... Next game?

Him, who sort of guide me on what to do next. Yup, i know it will work. But too drastic and kinda again my principles...

Her, who chat with me despite such a busy life. Really understand a lot more after thinking about it. Your life is much tougher, but superwoman, jia you!

Her, who grew concern over me when i post a message in facebook. But no, i am not sensible at start. I learnt a lot these days. And the things you said made me felt happy. =) Take care! You will recover in time!

Her, who asked me if i am alright while recovering from her own surgery. Speak up girl if you want him to understand. Guys are low at realizing things. (girls too actually... )

Her, who questioned why i am so emotional over twitter. Well, i tried not to. But you dont keep thinking you are wrong or not good la!

And also the few others whom i had troubled the last few months.

Him, who listened to me rant while at work. Even though i didnt take your opinion, but i did consider it. That time, it was still too hard because i didnt had a very good reason to do so. But i still did in the end.

Him, for telling me his own life stories. You punk you. Seriously.

Him, who is sort of kena forced into listening to me talking. Dont remember talking about anything related to how i feel though, but i at least spent 45 minutes talking to you, non-stop, all because i caught you on the bus.

--

Well, i think i gave enough evidence to be clear about who i am talking about, without most of the others knowing who is who=)

But seriously, thank you for being there with me. Even though things (technically) had not changed much, but i am glad to know that there are people who will listen and fight with me.

--

To those who are concerned, but stayed in the background and kept silence or just asked my other friends. Sorry, but you are not getting any thanks. If you are concerned, ask me or talk to me. I DONT bite.

Day 9: Day of enlightenment.

2011-08-12T01:34:00.003+08:00

It will be unrestricted thoughts, actions, Ceteri Paribus.
(ceteri paribus means all else remain unchanged.)
--

Had really been enlightened by my friends this few days.

And it made me realize too that, although i felt better after thrashing things out, i felt better when they could offer me their own point of view.

My friend was telling me about stubborn-ness that day.
And she made me realized that

hey! Being stubborn is actually good! Being stubborn makes you have the belief that you can do it. It gives you the determination to go for what they think is right!

And her words made me dropped the idea of big bang too. Reason being? I am not "old" enough to be giving any advice. Moreover, i am in a very wrong position to say anything. Cause anything i said will make it sound more like i am trying to break them up for my own good.

(no, she didnt talk about the last sentence. I thought of that myself. I dont want to be, or act like a bastard. I am pure, at least all the things i did until now is purely for her good and nothing else.)

My buddy offered me another very clear point of view.

I was asking him, how should i carry from here? How should i treat her? Knowing that i do feel good being with her, enjoying the good food with her, chatting, joking and working with her...

At first, i was afraid of staying the same because i can feel the distance increasing between us. Like, how comfortable we are with each other around. I was afraid of over stepping my limit and end up doing something stupid.

He made me realised that what actually matters is how you feel when you two are out together. Was it comfortable? Was it enjoyable? How did the past go?

If you are happy, then all this worries dont stand.

I know i had been happy all this while being out with her, eating good food. Frankly, i havent found any better partner to enjoy food with. She seems to be the only one whom made me feel eating is a joy itself.

(Ya, sometimes, i am too over joyed after eating with her... That i actually message her saying i love eating with you. lol! )

And i asked him, whether i should stay in this group.

I had my worries days before, because i dont feel belonged sometimes.

But he made me realised one thing too, that as long as we are happy doing the things we love together, then i should stay on! After all, it feels good to be there.

Even though sometimes i feel that i dont belong, but its only that i am relatively new to the group.

--

With all this ideas in mind, i had decide to keep things simple.

Nothing should change. Except that, well, i will let go and be a more unrestricted me. Not much difference la. Maybe people would like me more. LOL!

I am happy taking care of her. I am happy seeing her happy. I am happy being around her.
I am happy talking cock with the group, and i feel comfortable being around them.

Thats all that matters doesnt it?

=)

Thanks=)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And yes, countdown to the final day.

To her, once again, fight on. I know you can do it. August had not been kind to you. But i know you are more than able to take this. I will still be there if you need me. Always will.

Day 8

2011-08-11T00:22:00.003+08:00

Worried.

She's sick.

But why? I have no idea. Was staring at twitter, stopping myself from asking.

I guess i would have known if i just asked her.

But well...

--

Went for some very nice meal with the guys though. Although Jalan Kayu frankly, had changed much. The food quality is...Not as good as before. And the quantity getting smaller and smaller.

Glad that we didnt get very loss though. Else, my friend wouldnt get to work the next day.

--

Had a long talk with my friend yesterday night. Yup, my friends right, i had been taking the very wrong approach.

Why am i even thinking of talking to her?

I should just let her be. She will realize one day how the guy treats her. And if she still wants to be treated like that... Then, lets just say... Have fun!

People wouldnt come to realize that AS FRIENDS, NONE of us wants to see her being treated like that.

From this point on, i wouldnt care so much about what happen to them. I am not gonna hinder/stop or bless them either. I would just look at it... And say... Okay. Have fun!

I would still continue to treat her well though, cause she's the one i love. I know i cant treat her sloppily, cause its not within me to do something like that.

Some people can treat their girlfriend like dirt. I cant. For they are gems to me.

I am not gonna ask for anything. I know very well that relationship cant be forced. And i dont force people. I give a lot of advices, and you should have seen the effects of the advices that you took. And you should understand i never meant harm.

I only want a good life for you.
I only ask for you to treat yourself better.

Drink more water, take care of yourself. Eat before you work.

Or let me do it.

I only asked for one thing. Be happy. No matter what, be happy.

--

I am still worried... Hope she's not too sick and still able to work...

jia you...

Day 7: Lonely National Day

2011-08-10T01:16:00.003+08:00

I spent the whole of the national day doing nothing much...

Lunch at the friend's place was not up to what i expected.

Sure, it was just a casual lunch, but i dont really feel comfortable eating.

The westernise culture, talks about Singapore's politics, stocks and video games were not part of what i am no more.

And beer and wine had became something that i would try to abstain.

--

The few hours spent there was not really fruitful. I was physically there, but my mind is still floating about.

Like i told my friend the other day; i know i am not feeling happy, even though i might be laughing like crazy in front of you.

I know all i wanted, was just to hear her voice and see her again.

And all i wanted to know, is that she is happy, enjoying life and having fun.

But...

When she called that afternoon, i was actually quite sad. I actually felt sad because i am only there as a support. I am only called for when i am needed. Like a tool inside a toolbox that only lived to see moments of daylight when the owner needs to do some repair(help) .

Feels kind of, sad.

But i know too, thats just how i feel. Most probably, what i felt didnt stand; i am just feeling putting myself down by choosing to think of all the bad ideas.

My friend is right; i am extrinsically motivated. I NEED recognition to push me on. I NEED people to tell me that i am good, that i can make it.

I need people to tell me i can push through this. I aint taking it well.

Still, i am still worried about her. I really dont want to see her being mistreated in anyways, for it breaks my heart...

If seeing her cry makes me cry at night too...Seeing her mistreated might just cause me to lose control of myself.

There are a lot that i could take, but i do that i have a limit too. When the limit is exceeded, i might just lose myself.

--

Selfish? Yes i am. I care a lot about how i feel.

But, how i feel, really depends on the person i love.

Day 6

2011-08-09T03:27:00.002+08:00

3.27am on my clock.

Couldnt really sleep. Came home, sat infront of the computer and started wondering about the reason.

I am sure she has a reason for doing what she do.

And i am sure too, one day, she will came to realize what she really wants.

--

Found that i had been talking alot. Incessantly.

Reminisce about the past things that we did and also my own younger days.

Those days, where we were kids, we did things the way we wanted to do it. No restrictions, no worries. After all, no one bear hatred; its just a game. You can push anyone on the floor, and the latter would just cry... The next thing you know, you were pushed on the ground, and you cried.

And the next day, you would still be friends again, playing catching, cycling and eating sen-bao together.

People seek for their better half, without much thought about what they really need. A spouse, is a companion. Someone there, to share your life, to walk down the path with you. Some, for some reason, are blinded by money, authority, or just plain looks.

Practically speaking, a guy who is rich is highly sought for, for there is a higher chance that the spouse would be well taken care of, at least financially. But still, its just a chance.

Humans change, feelings change. Everything can change.

Except, a person's character.

Seriously, character is fixed, unless something very big, something major happened.

Else, dont expect an egoistic bastard to start treating you nicely; you would be treated like a slave in future.

How a person treat someone else could change too, but fundamentally, you do have assurance that as long as you keep the relationship interesting and alive, you would never live to see it sour.

--

Seriously, i am still very worried about her. I know that she is going through something real tough. And her work isnt giving her any slack... But i do hope that she would take some time to think about whether she wanted this kind of guy.

Even if i am not the guy she wanted(i do know that relationships cant be forced), i do hope that she marries well and lives well, and be happy for the rest of her life.

But seriously, looking at what is going on... I think its really high time she reconsider what is happening...

But, who am i to say anything? I am glad that someone she is concern about me, in asking them not to ask me to come down. But its worse know that the guy is such a guy...

How am i suppose to let go of you, knowing that you are diving straight to hell?

How?

I hate myself for being overly concerned. Its her life! Why are you worried?? Shouldnt you be better off taking care of yourself when you are coughing every single day? Why are you losing sleep over her? Why? Why are you sleeping less than 3 hours each day just to worry about her? Is it worth it?

Sadly, call me stupid. But i still think she is worth it. For i do see that her eyes are tainted, but her heart is still pure.

Jia you!

Day 5

2011-08-07T23:22:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, i dont understand what does a girl really want.

Being there for them,

Taking care of them,

Loving them,

Worrying about them,

Making sure they are happy,

Positive
...

And all they want is to find someone who treat them like dirt...

What is wrong with pursuing a happy life?? Why chose to make life so difficult for yourself?

WHY?
WHY??
WHY???

Writing a book!

2011-08-06T20:43:00.003+08:00

I really feel like writing a book.

I have more than sufficient materials, ideas and the language competency to write a book that the majority would come to "enjoy".

Well, real life stories beats any kind of love fiction because they have the power to convey feelings truly felt at that moment.

And as a person who feels emotional (quite) easily, i would have more than enough feelings to convey a heartfelt message to people who chose the tougher route in loving a person.

--

A facebook message from a close friend struck me hard today.

"Isn't it ironic?
We ignore the one who adore us.
Adore the ones who ignore us.
Love the ones who hurts us.
Hurt the ones who loves us."

Haha! How true. People who loves you are taken for granted. The love they gave are treated as if they should be given.

Life is surely interesting=)

--

Dont cry because after all you did, people just ask you to leave.
Dont cry because after all you went through, people dont remember that you had been there.
Dont cry because after each event, people just told you that they actually wanted someone else to be there instead.
Dont cry because people think that friends are NEVER going to walk to the end of time with you. Make your entrance gracefully and make your exit gently.
Dont cry because people thinks that miracles happen all the time.
Dont cry because all your efforts in making a person positive, just amounted to nothing.
Dont cry because all you did didnt matter, when the real one's back. The spares just have to shut up and make your exit.

Dont cry.
Afterall, your existence didnt matter.

=)

2011-08-06T13:26:00.003+08:00

La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
I like your smile
I like your vibe
I like your style
But that’s not why I love you

And I, I like the way
You’re such a star
But that’s not why I love you
Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?
Do you need me?

[chorus]
You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

La la
La la la la
La la
La la la la
I like the way you misbehave
When we get wasted
But that’s not why I love you
And how you keep your cool
When I am complicated
But that’s not why I love you

Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?

Do you need me?

[chorus]
You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
And I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

Yeah – Oh.
Oh.

Even though we didn’t make it through
I am always here for you
You

Hey
Do you feel, do you feel me?
Do you feel what I feel, too?
Do you need, do you need me?
Do you need me?

[chorus]
You’re so beautiful
But that’s not why I love you
I’m not sure you know
That the reason I love you is you
Being you
Just you
Yeah the reason I love you is all that we’ve been through
And that’s why I love you

La la
La la la la (oh oh)
La la
La la la la (That’s why I love you)

La la
La la la la (oh oh)
La la
La la la la (That’s why I love you)

Day 4

2011-08-06T12:29:00.003+08:00

Approximately near 95 hours of no contact.

Failed once again by trying to initiate indirect contact, resulting in, " Why wouldnt he tell me himself..."

Am not coping well with the withdrawal syndrome. Had been thinking about how she had been the whole night yesterday.

It just keeps me worried if she's not feeling well, even if its a slight fever.

--

I should be thankful that i did not received any reply from him yesterday. Not that i dont want to see him, him or her... Its just that i am confused over who am i in this group.

I feel so much like a replacement... A self-volunteered replacement at times. And more importantly, i asked for it.

Most importantly, most of these events turns out quite well. But still, i know that they dont share the same significance between me and her. For her, its always..."Actually i wanted to ask you(someone else) to go instead de..". But for me, its always "We had came so far and done so much together.."

--

But that is good in a way, because if i leave the picture, i would be able to leave everything intact. Someone would still be taking care of her if she falls, someone would be there to console her, talk to her... Someone would be there to offer a shoulder to cry on if she needs one.

Everything is in proper order. No changes even if i am to be gone.

Sometimes i wonder why am i considering all this... I am asking for it again again and again myself...

--

That is good really. More resolve for me for the big bang.

6 more days!

Day 2

2011-08-03T20:51:00.002+08:00

The time now is 8.53pm.

Feeling?

Kinda lost.

Wondering what i am doing is right, or wrong? Wondering if not contacting her for this short period is good or bad...

Wondering if she would sense any difference... Or would i just die off as if i never existed?

Its only been 2 days. But... I am missing her...

The addiction dies hard.

--

I brought a curry puff this morning, and sat at the platform and waited for near 20 minutes...

Waiting, for some luck.

Waiting to see if i could catch her there and then.

But no. Didnt get to see her...

Didnt get to give her the curry puff...

Silly me... What am i thinking? Playing on luck? Since when i had been lucky?

The only time perhaps, is the day i met her on the bus, that chance, that occurence which had brought us thus far... From strangers to "bestfriend" in...6 months...

--

But it still remains interesting though... How i gained so much trust from her in just 6 months. I dont know if there are any others who gets the same treatment... But i am glad that i am trusted. I am glad to know that she trusted me.

But, i do know, there are still many things that she didnt wanted to let me know. There are still more things that she is hiding from me and couldnt let me find out.

Well, its okay. Its her privacy anyways, and she deserves some secrets on her side. No pressure on her to divulge anything.

--

Jia you Byron, 8 more days(as of 0000, 04.08.11)!

Day 1

2011-08-02T00:14:00.002+08:00

And that marks the start of day 1.

Feeling really reluctant even at this moment...

But this is a promise that i have to keep.

That i wouldnt disturb her honeymoon.

I know i am gonna miss her.

But missing her is still better than influencing her decisions in the next few days.

I really really hope to still be with her at the very end though...

9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0... August 13th.

10 days...

2011-08-01T11:20:00.004+08:00

I could see it in her.

Its real happiness.

At least she isnt worried so much now.

But of course!

With the vast number of work she had, its no surprise that she doesnt even have the time to go worrying.

--

My days are up... August 1st already.

Maybe that dessert store yesterday was a good reminder that it would be her honeymoon soon.

...And a final reminder to myself that ...

"hey, let go. Let go of her. What are you holding on to? Why are you even holding on?"

Yes, i have to, much as i do not want to.

--

Still, it makes me happy to know that she had eaten before starting work, and feeling good while surrounded by all the love she had from her friends.

Its all too clear to me now how much she can affect how i feel. And i could no longer detach myself as an individual when i am around her. Its either her, or us.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 days. Will i survive? Will i be able to restrain myself to the maximum?

And i have one last wish. That he will survive the ordeal.

"You have to do it for him, while i have to do it for you."

And the last thing i want to know, is that you are unhappy.

2011-07-31T01:18:00.002+08:00

I like this day so much,

so much that i dont want it to end.

But it still ended.

It has to end. Time dont last forever. Love could, if both parties tries hard enough to maintain it.

Wonder if there is a next time.

Wondering if i still have the chance to stand by your side, aiding you, protecting you and looking at those eyes filled with tiredness, but never willing to give up.

Those small talks i would remember. These small memories i will keep with me.

2011-07-25T20:07:00.003+08:00

Today is a bad day. Period.

Couldnt sleep the night before...

Woke up real late...

Lived on anticipation the whole day... Only to find disappointment(because i didnt i didnt get to know anything despite waiting for the whole day...) at night.

Almost quarreled with an idiotic boss who told me to do things at the very last minute..
(seriously, telling me to install an addition software to ALL the computers near the end of the day. She must be crazy... )

My ex-teacher argued with me over facebook because of well, being emotional.

(nowadays, people think the young aint worth listening. BUT please, if you are dealing with the young, HOW can you NOT listen to what they have to say??? )

--

But its okay la. I understand my own insignificant too.

--

Wouldnt cry, unless it hurts, just like that day.

Think that is the one and only time i cried in front of someone else?

男人流泪比流血更加心痛。-眼底星空

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2011-07-23T09:00:00.002+08:00

I know and I want to give you a simple life.

If only you will accept.
--

I want to let go of you,

Let you be on your own.

But, I can't bear to leave you alone.

I NEED to know you are happy and feeling well.
--

Haiz.... what should I do...

The closure.

2011-07-21T01:01:00.003+08:00

And this goes out to those who still watch this space.

Thanks for being kind audiences. I knew many of you read it, but dont comment.

Some read it as a joke,

Some think i am a desperate,

Some think that i am dreaming of something that could never happen,

Some just wish to slap me and tell me to wake up.

--

No one did that. I know all this while, i had been hoping for a nice little romance. This romance turned into accidental love, which i still hold.

Still, i have to let go and stop caring. I am going crazy. I cant stand it. I am going crazy.

Let time decide everything.

--

And i still think we made exact compliment of each other.

Where she is strong, i am weak.
Where she is weak, i am strong.

I am sure she can see it.

--

Well, its time for me to move on.

Thanks for the nice times in the past=) Would forever remember that=)

Thanks for somehow making me feel love. I dont know how, but i fall in love with you. And that kind of love, is really explicit. Like a calling, like i must take care of you. How it can affect my daily life, my mood, everything.

Thanks for accompanying me for the dinner. At least it made those long waiting time worthy.

I understand that i am just an intruder. Someone, who just happen to be there at the right/wrong time.

I just happen to be there when the rest were busy with work or national service.

I just happen to be the one who seemed to fit the missing mahjong slot since the other is busy honey-mooning.

I just happen to be there. I just somehow is the missing jigsaw piece.

These few months, i had been trying to take care of her. Guide her, aid help, going the miles for her. All, just to make her life easy.

I said before, i didnt need anything in return.

I still dont. But i cannot bear to see her family shattering, her life blistering because of a relationship.

I cannot bear to see her suffer. Therefore, i have to leave.

I am selfish, yes. I care a lot about how i feel. I tried to remind her of the possible problems, but she's determined for it.

So okay, i will respect you. And i will exit the scene too, so that i dont aggitate you further. I hope you understand this is how i love a person.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The things you didnt know.

2011-07-19T23:35:00.002+08:00

Ya, i know. That title was copy-righted from my friend.

But share la, okay hor?

--

I am somehow glad that i am working alone.

At least, no one could see the tears i am shedding while at work.

Lets just say, i am feeling very very very sad, just feeling how she feel.

And i felt even worse since i know whatever i said is, pointless, cause she wouldnt listen to me.

Its kind of like punching a wall. Though it wouldnt stop you, but it will never collapse.(The mindset that is. The mindset will never collapse. Tomorrow (now) it wll start again.)

I just hope she would keep up to what i sort of force her to promise.

--

Teared again while waiting for her just now. Thinking and worrying so much about the past and much more about the future.

I foresee more tears. But i dont know if this time round, would there be someone there to talk to her like i do.

I know i am not irreplaceable. But there are somethings only i can do, and will do.

And i cant bear to see her cry. I really cant.

Cause i did cry too.

--

But, what do you suppose i do? Cry with her? I cant. How it is suppose to help her that way?

Negativity doesnt solve anything.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She said, i wouldnt understand, because i havent felt love before.

Well, sorry, but i did. In you.

You dont see me crying when you are sad, because i want to take care of you.

You dont find me saying anything negative when you are sad, because i want you to be happy.

You dont find me doing anything to you because i respect you.

I say it all the time. I told you i love you so many times. If only you noticed.

I dont know what your kind of love is. But my kind of love is very very simple.

For you, to be happy.

If i know you will be happy, i will give you my blessing.

If i know thats what you want, i will support you.

If you need help, i will be there. I will be, the first one to volunteer.

I will help you on everything i can. Even if it means severe difficulty for me.

As long as you are happy, it doesnt matter how i feel. Even if it is to help you to get a better boyfriend, i will do it.

If you want, i gladly be your punching bag, your rubbish bin, your place to vent your anger. I dont mind the pain on me, as long as your hand dont get hurt.

For now, there's not much i can do to protect you. But if given a chance, i will.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The long wait

2011-07-18T22:33:00.002+08:00

Its a long time to go.

Well, not very long. Like she once said (when i complained i got about a month of nothing-to-do times),

time would pass by in a flash,

and a few rounds of mahjong. =)

--

Its a long wait, for her.

Its an even longer wait, for me.

Am really getting very very very very worried about her everyday.

And i am afraid of her drastic thoughts.

And i am more afraid of the consequences of these thoughts, if put into action.

--

Even at this moment when i am facing my computer and typing all these,
all my thoughts are about her and what is she doing.

And no, i am not concern because i wanted to find a topic with her. I just dont want negative thoughts to build up in her.

I really am afraid.
And worried about her health at the same time.

Noticeable drying lips, bags of tears and the warm weather would not do anyone any good. And being emotional doubles the damage.

I am just hoping that she would just listen to me for a little and take my advises, at least for once. I know i am insignificant, but i assure you, all these is really, for you to have a better life.

I really dont keep telling you to drink water for nothing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Its a longer time to wait for me.

And i am struggling whether i should do as per planned. I want to be there, but the damage is too much for my heart to take.

I love you.

And i kept being reminded of this phrase from a certain card in Magic the Gathering.

"I shun them not for their noble dream. But for their refusal to not let such a noble dream, die a noble death"
-Seeker of Skybreak, 7th edition.

(People are indeed shunning me because i refuse to let my noble dream die a noble death.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For others.

2011-07-16T00:55:00.005+08:00

The roughest patch of life.

I aint surprise.

People like us live for others. And our entire happiness depends on that person alone.

Sometimes we seems to take things for granted, and expects too much in return. But we repays in ways that you dont see or observe. In ways such as being concern, being considerate, suiting your timing and behavior.

--

I just came back from East Coast on a cab for a gathering for the walking advertisement crew.

And i say, no, i didnt enjoy myself.

Not because it isnt fun, but...

My body is there, my mind... is not present.

Am very very worried about her.

I know she isnt taking it well( who wouldnt in her situation?) and i know very well too that this matter cant be resolve with her alone.

I know too, the solution, was really, someone to overpower the dominating queen.
(Take down the queen and you shall have the minions.)

And i too know who can do it.

Just hope that she would see it too.

--

I could understand her worries. And her desire for the well-being of the latter.

But of course i could, because i am of the same character.

We asked not for our welfare. We know what we can handle. And we gladly do so. We gladly take the damage for our loved ones.

And we cry in dismay when we cant do anything. Our hearts shatters. and our morales sinks low.

Nothing gets through to us when we are down. At least,until, the matter is resolved.

We did hang on to whatever we think is right, even if we know, that impending doom is upon us.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But i am the lesser being. I am not gonna let myself be worse than the one i love.

Because, that is the only way i can love and take care of the people i love.

Future planning.

2011-07-13T21:59:00.003+08:00

Have been thinking over my future for the last few hours.

Really found that i need to have more clearer dreams and focus.

I am already starting to make effort for my future, going into small time businesses, working to grab the essential experiences and capital.

But, i did lack a clear direction on what to do, and also, what i aim to achieve by a specific age.

--

After a long chat last night, i began to understand a very fundamental idea that people had been saying, in which i had not totally understood, until yesterday.

"No money, no honey"

Sounds crude i know. I mean, the reason to make money cannot be just for women alone.

But lets face it, all(or at least most) wants a guy whom they can depend on for the rest of their life.

And, the basic assurance is money. Money is the fundamental thing that can assure them a potentially good life in future.

And also, having the financial capability is also a show case of the ingenuity and hardworking-ness of the male counterpart.
(you need to have the idea, and put in the effort to make good money. And if a guy is like that, most probably, he's a guy worth having; a husband worth marrying.)

--

After thinking over the night, it had came to my realization that, i really have to plan for what i want.

Things is slowly getting into place properly with my 4 ad-hoc part-time jobs.(one pending though)and my more-than-sufficient income.

(yes, i am earning more than i can spent, partly because i dont have much crave to buy things, and also because, i dont know what to spent on... The only craving though, was to spent on her. Dont ask me why, but i seriously think spending money on her(or with her) is just more worthy.)

HENCE, i sat down for the last few hours and made plans for my near future.

Stage 1:
Education.
-Currently pursuing my degree in computer engineering.
-Set to go for a major in communication.
-EE2011, EE3103, EE3104, EE4101, EE4112, EE4114
-Pros: Communications NEVER dies. Infact, i think its a super fast growing industry!
-Cons: Lonely journey. I am sure most of my mates would NOT be going for communications...

Stage 2:
Financial
-Currently on 4 ad-hoc part-time job.
-Looking at approx. 600/mth
-With my 250 allowances, should be looking at 850/mth
-Potential savings of about 400/mth. Amounting to approx. 10k in 2 years(with holiday jobs).

Stage 3:
Proficiency
-Currently doing okay in C/C++ programming language, Fluent read/white Chinese and English. Able to communicate in simple Hokkien.
-Will pursue Malay in NUS and brush up my Cantonese and self-learn java and html5.

Stage 4:
Life skills
-Brush up my ability to talk in public, to masses and over the phone.
-Better handling of issues/complications on the spot.
-Seeing and (better) grabbing opportunity.
-Learn and imbue humor into the way i speak.
(Apparently, almost all people(girls, guys, friends, employers alike) loves workers who are humorous while chatting, but serious while working. Working hard to achieve that.)

Stage 5:
Goals
-The final target to (try) to achieve.
-4.5k take home income on the 2nd year of work(includes part-time pay).
-Large network of friends, colleagues and good relationship with most(if not all) of them.
-A wife possibly by 2018 (age 30)
(I believe family forms the basis of success. You cant call yourself a successful man when you do not have a family. )

What are words.

2011-07-11T14:53:00.005+08:00

Chris Medina - What Are Words

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me
And I know I'm meant to be where I am
And I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they don't
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud
Those words, They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

5 years down the road

2011-07-10T19:30:00.002+08:00

Dreamt again of someone being trapped in a room. The only way of getting her out, is to eat a whole bag of sour mushroom.

I crunched it. Didnt slept enough to see the end though; but am slowly and painstaking devouring the mushrooms.

(seriously, mushrooms?? Hmmm...)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The conversation last Friday sparked off a whole chain of thoughts.

I started wondering who would i be in 5 years time.

Wondering if we would still be the same like now, or would i had left in an attempt to start everything afresh, after a long fought, lost glory.

My friend told me that day,
"Loving someone who doesnt love you is like hugging a cactus; the most you are into it, the more it hurts."

Sounds true if you try to picture it. I feel...exactly the same.

I understand, what had happened thus far had been really enjoyable. I found my gentle happiness in being able to see her and trying my best to take care of her.

--

Judging from how i am progressing now, in 5 years time, i should be looking at a perspective income of about 2.5k, considering that i would be a university graduate with about 3 years of full-time working experience.

With my additional passive income from CSC and BC and possibly walking ad, i should be able to get about 3.5k a month. Definitely more than sufficient to do whatever i needed to do(Ya, i am not counting how much to pay for flats, cars or whatever. I am more than self-sufficient anyways. And i always prefer to live with my parents.)

Most probably, i would be having a small car and probably a bike. Probably not married, but having a stable girlfriend.

I see myself as an entrepreneur. But i would have to lay a solid foundation for everything to start moving. And the basic layer, is none other than money and practical skills, which i am slowing gaining.

But i cant foresee if i can make it big. I had a dream, but i didnt had a solid plan yet. Someday, i would need to wake up and start working on it.

5 years just seemed to be so long, yet so short.

--

5 years... Would you still be there? Or rather, would i still be here?

Lots of Complains from me...

2011-07-08T01:04:00.004+08:00

Sidenote: I was reading through the horoscope thingy, and i read this.

"There are some people in your family who want to cling to the past out of feelings of insecurity, and they may be shocked when they reach out to you for support and agreement and all you do is smile mischievously and say "Come on, get (on) with it!"

-Something i so much agree and had a very high possibility of happening. Cause beneath the playful words lies the true care and concern, much as it differs from what it sounded like.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, reservice had came to an end.

A bit annoyed over a friend who talked like i owe him. So much for recommending a job that pays so well, to him.

--
Sudden message about a ring in her hand. So what are you trying to tell me? Cant you be more direct here?

(anda, i am not saying who or why someone bought the ring, not because i dont know, but because i respect her privacy. (and if you want to know, just message her la, you had her number what.))
--
--
I help you find job, you take it for granted. No thanks no nothing.

Even before the first day, you wanna complain that i would be earning more than you for the very first day.

And that your whole Saturday is gone.
(ya, my fault. Thats not complaining at all. (Thats whining.))
--

Nevermind, shall let the incident rest.

This few days over at camp had made me learn a lot. And i kept thinking, if i were the one doing, i would most probably do much better than them. Planning wise is quite standard (as it is according to guidelines.), but the activity timing should be better planned.

And the worse is, execution definitely needs people with more talent in handling and CONFIRMING the task to be done.

I had experienced doing double job with no effects or incentive. But plainly just wasted time.

(But of course, i would be practical; it would be alot more difficult to do things in camp as the majority are ...well... there for the money. )

Restraint!!!!

2011-07-06T23:19:00.003+08:00

Somehow, the more i see her, the more i love her and the more difficult it is for me to restraint myself.

Really at the verge of bursting. My rounds are loaded, all it takes is a small sparkle. (or if i am continued to be loaded)...

I really have to restrain myself from seeing her. Either that, or that i had to make her not want to see me.

Seriously having a problem curbing my thoughts, dreaming about the possibilities...

2011-07-04T16:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, strangers says the sweetest words.

"No matter how hard you are hit(physically), you wouldnt feel the pain"

=)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, remarkable smooth day today.

On time for bus, on time on arrival at reservoir, on time for drop off at napier road, on time for train towards Dhoby, on time for train while travelling on NEL. On time for work, too.

=)

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Stop dreaming. Really.

2011-07-02T13:01:00.003+08:00

There is not another word i could say.

I just felt like shit when i see couples infront of me.

Be it them kissing, touching, petting to a plainly just holding hands, i am not taking it good.

I have to leave someday. Or i would burst the delicate friendship we had built up thus far. I might even, destroy people's life. Drastic extremist for the lose.

--

Its just getting too difficult for me to love without being loved.

--

最后。

2011-06-25T08:48:00.006+08:00

这就是这篇爱情故事的完结篇。不会再把任何关于，《我和她》的事写在这里。

。。。

但是，我已成受不了我眼前所看到的一切一切。明知道有些事我能解决，我却只能站在一旁，装做不知道，不关心。

朋友说得对，只有让他自己体恤，感觉到自己的决定所带来一切后果，他才能够醒悟。

用心的付出，为他人着想，体谅及慢慢慢慢的分析事情，是我唯一能做的。

心痛，来自你的难过。
心酸，来自你一味的倔强。
心疼，来自自己所爱的人受到委屈。

心碎，来自自己的无能，不能让你了解事情的根源〉

我不能改变你，心有意，而力不足。

我一直以来的愿望，就是要让你活得开心，
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望着你，我看到了一道一道心灵得伤痕。一道一道经岁月因叛逆，因心里放不开而慢慢形成的疤痕。

一道不可能在短时间愈合的伤疤。

我心中的难过，心中一滴一滴的泪水也为你而流。我深信，你也了解这个事情是有解决方法的。只要你肯尝试，你一定做的到。

我也一定会在旁相助。

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但是，我还是很在意他的（不）存在。
就让时间证明一切。

我爱你。

。

Eye on me

2011-06-25T03:57:00.000+08:00

This is eye on me by Faye Wong.

How old was this song? I didnt know. But all i can remember was, this was the song i would listen to, when i felt that i am not understanding a lot of things.

Like the song said...

" Let me come to you, close as i want to be. Close enough to feel your heart beating fast. "

- Somethings i just seek to go on further, to understand.

" Tears if you are holding back, or pain if thats what it is. "

- I really wanted to know, i really wanted to share.

"How can i let you know, i am more than the dress, and the voice."

- Yes, i am not there for show.

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But frankly, i am really in huge pain nowadays. Knowing and understanding how difficult it is for people to go through their life and watching them suffer from the distance and yet knowing you cannot do anything, is really a torment itself.

It hurts because in order to let her have more time on her own, i had decided to restraint myself even more and reduce the contact.

There are just so many times that i wanted to message her, talk to her, ask her out etc.

But looking at how much work she had, i really wished she had time to rest instead.

--

She told me that day, she wanted more time. I had time; perhaps, the only thing that i had, which i would gladly gave to her if i could.

The only thing is, time isnt a transferable object.

I lament at the fact that i cant do much.

I lament that the fact that i could only sit here and do nothing while knowing she is slogging so hard.

I would really wish to help. And i really wanted to say " Hey, dont work anymore, i will support you financially if you need"

But i know i cant; i am not able to do it. At least, not now.

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I hate being out of work with nothing to do. Makes me think a lot. Too much at times.

I looked at all the couples, enjoying their time spent with there partners and cry to myself and asking myself what am i doing?

Why am i holding on so dearly to? What am i doing exactly thinking and dreaming here?

What am i seeking for?

Then i asked myself, why had all the girls in the world became so plain jane to me? I had forgotten the excitement i had when i talk about beautiful, sexy girls with my friend.

Nowaday, no matter how pretty or scantily she dressed, i dont really feel like giving a second look.

"No feel"

No feeling of excitement at all.

And all i could think is one. The one and only.

2011-06-24T00:24:00.002+08:00

I had decided to take a step back and let fate do the job.

I am tired.

Tired of holding on.

Tired of knowing things that i shouldnt.

Tried of thinking about whats the best.

Tired of dreaming about the future.

I had decided to let things go, and slowly flow on their own.

I did my best. The pain is getting unbearable.

I am letting loose of the ropes that i held so tight.

Now the boat is just hanging by the thread.

Would the current push the boat back? Or will it shove it out to sea, towards the endless river with no return?

I shall just be by the shore, waiting and waiting, occasionally giving a tug to make sure that the boat remembers the jetty, and that familiar piece of wood that had held on to you while you were down.

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Fate.

1. Anita's prediction
(slowly becoming my favourite daily-guidance)
"Byron sweetheart, don't let the negative energy of others take away your determination or positive attitude. The only person that is responsible for how you feel is YOU."

-definitely something thats true. Because there is no point being upset even if everything fail.

2. Anita's prediction horoscope
(Low truth value, but worth a check at times.)
Byron darling, you may want to consider travel plans. It's a great time to travel. Your energy is just right to get out there and meet new people. Consider taking a companion or two to liven things up. You can feel the changes in the air just waiting to happen. You are thinking positive which is a good thing. Your companions will join in with the powerful excitement you feel, go with the flow and enjoy it.

-Travel. Yes. Please. Cash on the table. Thanks!

3.Daily horoscope
(Low truth value, but gives some great ideas at times.)
You have decided that the trip you are considering is worth the potential risks, and you have worked out any power-struggles in advance. You have a good opportunity to make new friends while traveling, or over the Internet, anywhere where ideas are shared.

4. Horoscope.fr
(medium truth value, but well, feels good to hear.)
Moon sextile Venus will allow you to have a fulfilled love life again. Are you single? A new flame will succeed to the previous one.
There is nothing worth mentioning for couples. You will be in complete harmony and your affinity with each other is quite obvious.

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Oh, i am not exactly a person who believes in horoscope a lot. While i believe that certain things are fated, i believe that fate can be altered by humans too, with the desire and perseverance to change. Never rely on fate totally.(occasionally giving a tug)